


Youngblood

by JCMadGirl



Category: Outer Banks (TV)
Genre: Angst, But they're also trying to have a good time, Child Abuse, Drinking, Everyone is suffering, F/M, Fights, Fluff, Happy Ending, Hurt JJ (Outer Banks), Hurt John B, Hurt/Comfort, I would say it's an happy ending, In chapter 2, Insomnia, JJ has dyslexia because I said so, JJ is emotionally constipated, M/M, Nightmares, Panic Attack, Pining, Rape/Non-con Elements, References to Drugs, Smoking, So is John B tbh, They all just love each other so much, This is soft and painful at the same time, Weed, it's a struggle
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-29
Updated: 2020-07-01
Packaged: 2021-03-04 07:07:56
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Rape/Non-Con, Underage
Chapters: 3
Words: 27,962
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24979696
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/JCMadGirl/pseuds/JCMadGirl
Summary: This is the story of how JJ became who he is now, of all the things that made him who he is now.(And of John B.)**Or, little photographs of everything that happened in the sixteen years JJ has been on this Earth.
Relationships: JJ & John B. Routledge, JJ & Kiara & Pope & John B. Routledge, JJ/John B. Routledge
Comments: 36
Kudos: 219





	1. Hope for the underrated youth

**Author's Note:**

> Hiiii, guess who's back? This bad bitch.  
> This took for-fucking-ever to write, so PLEASE appreciate me, I need validation to survive, thank you.   
> Uhhhh, as per usual it's pretty dark, especially as they get older. I'll put specific tags at the end of each chapter, so please read the notes at the end and be safe, kids.   
> That being said, comments and kudos are always appreciated, let me know what you think!  
> Catch on me on Tumblr (https://www.tumblr.com/blog/jcmadgirl)  
> I think that's it?? I hope y'all like it. 
> 
> Song: hope for the underrated youth by Yungblud

_ [ _ _ 'Cause there's hope for the underrated youth _

_ And I'm so far from telling you the truth _

_ 'Cause you keep on pulling me down, pulling me down, pulling me down _

_ Yeah there's hope for the underrated youth _ _ ] _

JJ is four when it happens for the first time. 

He’s not sure of what’s going on really, he just knows that one second he’s sitting on the floor playing with his favorite plushie (of Dory, from Nemo) and the next he’s on his back, his side hurting. 

He looks up with tears in his eyes, he can hear his parents yelling at each other (that’s not new) and his mom is crying.

(JJ doesn’t like when his mom cries.)

(It means she’s sad.) 

Anyway, JJ finds himself staring at the ceiling, unsure of how he got there in the first place. 

His mom has her arms wrapped around him in a second, petting his hair. 

"Look what you've done!" She screams to his father and JJ flinches. 

(He doesn't like when they scream either.) 

His mom picks him up then, holding him close to her chest and JJ holds on to her neck, watching his father yell some more, words he doesn't understand. 

It's okay though, his mom brings him to a nice place where they make JJ's favorite icecream and lets him eat as much as he wants. 

***

JJ is five when he finds his mom on the floor, unmoving. She's got her eyes closed, blonde hair fanning around her.

(She looks like an angel.)

“Dad?” He yells, even though he knows his Dad doesn’t like when he’s loud. Mom isn’t moving, though, so he figures it’s okay. 

“Dad!” He calls again, and this time his Dad appears in the doorway, swaying a bit on his feet as he always does. He kneels beside his mom, pushing JJ away. 

It’s chaos after that. 

His Dad is crying (which is weird) and then there are people in the house, and everything is a bit blurry and no one pays attention to him.

(JJ is used to it.)

His Dad takes him to the Hospital, he’s been there before when he broke his wrist, and then they’re sitting down for an eternity. 

He doesn’t understand what’s going on, and keeps asking his Dad, wants to know where mom went, he doesn’t like being alone, but his Dad just ignores him throughout the whole thing. 

Then he’s talking to another adult, a man in white clothes, and then he’s crying again. JJ has never seen him cry so much.

( _ Men don’t cry, JJ.) _

They go home, but mom isn’t with them.

“Where is she?” He asks quietly, from the backseat. 

“She’s not coming home, JJ. She’s gone.”   
“Gone where?”    
“She’s dead, JJ.” 

“But she was fine this morning.” He says, because she was. Then she thinks about her again a few hours ago, looking like an angel. He’s not sure of what  _ being dead  _ means. He knows one of the kids he knows had a dog, and at one point the dog wasn’t there anymore, and the kid said it died. 

If being dead means that JJ won’t see her again, then JJ doesn’t want her to be dead.

“But we can fix it, right? Right, Dad?” He asks, looking up, and his Dad glances at him briefly.

“No, JJ. We can’t. Death is forever.” 

JJ isn’t sure of what  _ forever  _ means either.

***

It turns out, forever means that JJ never sees her again. 

It means that there’s no food in the house, only that thing Dad drinks,  _ beer. _

(He doesn’t like beer, it smells really bad.)

(And it makes his Dad angry.)

It means that JJ doesn’t have anyone to tuck him into bed anymore.

It means that no one read stories to him, or watches cartoons with him.

It mean no one is home most of the time. 

It means he’s lonely a lot. 

It means his Dad is angry a lot. 

It means his Dad yells a lot.

It means that one is there to wipe his cheeks away when he cries.

It means his Dad falls asleep on the floor more often than not. 

It means people stare at him when he’s in the park, playing by himself, they say things like ‘ _ poor kid’  _ and  _ ‘with a father like that he’ll turn up a disaster’.  _

(JJ isn’t sure of what that means, of what’s wrong with his Dad that he’ll  _ turn up a disaster.) _

(JJ thinks he’s a pretty good kid. He’s not loud, he doesn’t cry anymore, he can take care of himself.)

He doesn’t understand most of the things that are happening around him, but he knows his mom should be there and she’s not and he doesn’t know  _ why.  _

***

When JJ is six he starts elementary school.

He’s excited, he gets to be out of the house, he’s going to make friends, it’ll be  _ fantastic.  _

_ Except _ , it turns out no one wants to be his friend.

He’s not sure why. 

One of the kids, a girl, told him it’s because their parents don’t want them to. 

(‘ _ It’s because you always have black eyes and smell bad.’) _

(JJ told her that it’s not his fault, all his clothes smell like beer, the  _ entire house  _ smells like beer.)

(She just walked away.)

So JJ sits alone in recess, watching the other kids eat the food their moms made, and thinks about his mom, who has been gone for almost a year now. 

(He misses her a lot.)

***

When JJ is seven, people start to ask question.

_ ‘Where did you get that black eye?’ _

_ ‘How did you break your arm?’ _

_ ‘Why aren’t you eating anything?’ _

_ ‘Why did you steal that apple?’ _

_ ‘Does your dad hit you?’ _

JJ was caught off guard the first time, because none of the teachers ever paid attention to him, but the new one in his Math class does. She’s nice, with long black hair and a pretty smile.

But, she’s not his Dad, and his Dad told him to lie. 

Lying, JJ has learned, it’s a bad thing. They told him so in school. 

(JJ only knows that that's what his Dad wants him to do, and JJ always does what his Dad wants him to do, because when he doesn't, he gets hurt.)

(He learned that pretty early on.)

So he lies, to the nice teacher, to the mean teachers, to the other kids, and to the doctor that put a cast on his broken arm that one time, and to the police.

His Dad told him that if he doesn't lie, then bad things will happen. He'll be taken away by  _ DCS  _ (bad people) and they'll put him with other adults that will treat him worse than he does.

His Dad told him he should consider himself lucky that he keeps him around at all.

You see, JJ can't read. Oh, well, he  _ can, _ it just takes him an eternity so he everybody thinks he can't. It's not his fault, the letters just swims on the page and he can't make them stop, no matter how much he wants them to.

(He really wants them to.)

(All the kids and his Dad tell him he's stupid because he can't read.)

JJ is seven, and now knows that his mom died of overdose. She couldn't take it anymore, so she took too many pills to sleep and just didn't wake up. 

JJ is seven, and tries to spend as much time out of the house as he can. 

JJ is seven, and starts stealing (snicker bars and little things, a lighter, a rubber ball and a pack of gums).

He does it because he's hungry.

(And bored.)

JJ is seven and flinches when his Dad raises his voice.

JJ is seven, he doesn't have friends, he has a cast on his arm, and has learned the hard way to be quiet when his Dad is around, but to talk loud when other adults are there, to distract, to deviate their attention to anything but  _ him _

JJ is seven, everybody knows him, and he's  _ invisible. _

_ *** _

When JJ is eight, he meets John B. He's new, doesn't know anybody around here, and moved to the cut with his father. 

He's a kid with floppy hair and a pretty smile. 

He sits down beside JJ during recess and offers him half of his tuna sandwich. 

JJ looks up at him with wide eyes

"What are you doing?" He asks.

(No one is ever  _ nice  _ to him.)

(The other kids laugh with him when he manages to steal something for a dare.)

(They smile at him when he walks in the hallway.)

(Some of them cheer for him when he gets into a fight with an older kid.)

(But no one is ever just  _ nice.) _

"You don't have a lunch, right? My dad told me it's important to share with your friends."

(He wouldn't know that, he doesn't have any friends.)

"Okay." JJ says, takes that half of the sandwich and asks John B why he's called John B.

"Because everybody call my dad Big John. They needs to tell us apart, so I'm just John B." He replies with a big smile. 

Once they're done eating, JJ asks him if he wants to go to the beach so they can surf , and John B says yes and that's that.

***

JJ meets John B's dad, Big John, one week after they became friends.

Big John makes them sandwiches and gives them orange juice.

There's an awkward moment when Big John tries to ruffle his hair and JJ instinctively jerks back, already going through every single thing he said to find out what he did wrong, but Big John seems surprised, his hand hanging in the air. 

"JJ?"

"I'm sorry." He says mechanically. He looks down, swallowing back the tears.

( _ Men don't cry, JJ.) _

"JJ, it's okay, you did nothing wrong." 

JJ looks up to the man and finds an expression on his face he can't place. 

(If it's not anger and it's not hate and it's not sadness, then what it is?)

(Big John has that same expression his nice math teacher from last year had, the one that told him that he's not stupid because it takes him longer to read.)

_ (Worried.) _

(Like his mom was before dying.)

"Oh." JJ simply says, then smiles, big and bright. "Okay then, is it okay if we go to the beach?" He asks and John B turns to Big John with big pleading eyes.

"Fine, but be careful." JJ whoops and John B hugs his dad quickly. 

(JJ half expects Big John to push John B away.)

(He doesn't, he hugs him back.) 

JJ stares hard at Big John, wonders if maybe there is something wrong with him, like his Dad says. 

(Why does Big John hugs John B like it's normal?)

(Why does Big John kisses his head and makes them food and doesn't yell when John B is being loud? )

It's weird, but maybe it's JJ the problem.

Maybe there's something so wrong with him that made his Dad hate him. 

It must be. 

JJ figures it doesn't really matter, whatever it is that he did or is, it's too late to fix it.

***

JJ is nine when they tell him that the reason he can’t read is because he has Dyslexia. 

(It means he’s not stupid, just needs a bit more time.) 

Big John talked to his teachers when Luke didn’t show up, and then Luke beated him black and blue because he hates when JJ gets in troubles at school.

(JJ  _ told  _ him that he didn’t get in trouble, that he did nothing wrong, not this time, but Luke hadn’t cared.)

Anyway, he has Dyslexia. 

He tells John B has soon as the bruises from his face have healed enough that he can go back to class, and John B nods seriously at him.

“I’ll help you.” He says seriously. 

And he does. 

They spend hours on the beach, reading through school books again and again, and it’s fun, because they can make games out of it, and John B even manages to keep JJ focused for longer than three seconds. 

***

JJ sits down on John B’s pull out couch. 

“Where’s you dad?” He asks, and John B shrugs.

“Went looking for the gold.” He says like he always does.

(JJ has learned that Big John is looking for a treasure, and sometimes lets John B and JJ help scan through piles of maps and data.)

(Big John told them that if they can find the gold, they’ll be set for life.)

(It also means John B is alone a lot.)

(That’s not a problem, JJ comes over every day.) 

“I think we can make sandwiches for dinner.” John B says, rummaging through the cabinets of the kitchen. JJ nods, standing up.

(It makes him winch a little, the bruises on his side pulling.)

“Can you grab the turkey in the fridge?” John B asks, and JJ nods, getting the little bundle of food. John B and JJ sit around the kitchen table, side by side, while they make their sandwiches and starts eating. 

“Yo, John B, we should go to the beach later and have a bonfire.” JJ says, around a mouthful of food. John B’s eyes are sparkling.

“We don’t have marshmallow, though.” 

“I’m sure we’ll find some.” JJ replies with a grin, and John B nods.

(John B doesn’t judge him when he grabs things from the shop down the street without paying.)

( _ ‘Why do you steal?’ _

_ “How am I supposed to get it, otherwise? I don’t have money.”) _

(John B had nodded at that, because he doesn’t have money either, and anyway, JJ never gets caught.)

JJ does slip inside the shop, and the cashier barely looks at him.

(No one ever does.)

(It comes in handy.)

He grabs the bag and slips it under his shirt quietly. He walks around the shop for a few more minutes, then walks out, and the cashier doesn’t even look up.

He shows the bag to John B once they’re behind a corner, and John B smiles at him.

“Wicked.” He says, and takes JJ’s hand to drag him to the beach.

They sit on the sand, piling together some sticks and dry leaves. JJ hands John B a lighter and John B starts the small fire. 

JJ puts a couple of marshmallows on some sticks and they sit in front of the fire.

“So cool, dude.” JJ says, and John B nods around a mouthful of food.

“Yeah, totally. How many marshmallow do you think I can fit in my mouth?” 

“I don’t know, bro. Try, I’ll keep count.” 

***

JJ is not a fan of his birthday. 

(You see, when his mom was around, his birthday used to be good.)

(With cake, and presents and candles.)

(Now, Luke beats the shit out of him, and blames him for his mother’s death.)

So yeah, JJ doesn’t like his birthday.

He’s pretty sure no one even knows when it is, because JJ never tells anyone, and his dad is usually too drunk to care.

(That’s fine with JJ, he doesn’t want to celebrate anyway.)

Anyway, JJ has successfully avoided his birthday for two years, when John B finally asks.

“Hey, JJ, when’s your birthday?” JJ ignores him, pretends he hasn’t heard him, throwing back the ball JJ stole from the older kids at the beach.

(It’s fine, no one noticed, as usual.)

“Catch!” He yells, and John B does, bouncing the soccer ball on his knees a couple of times, before it rolls away.

“So, when is it?” John B asks again.

(He never gives up.)

JJ rolls his eyes.

“When is what?”    
“Your birthday. I feel like I should know when your birthday is.”   
“Why?”   
“Well, you're my best friend, it just feels like something I should know.” 

(JJ tries to not cry like a fucking baby when John B calls him his best friend.)

“It doesn't matter.”   
“Of course it does, it's your birthday.”   
“So?”   
“So, it matters. When is it?”

“Leave it, John B, it doesn't matter.” John B frowns, and JJ has to look away. He starts walking, unsure of where he's even going. 

John B follows him.

“You okay, JJ?”   
“Yeah, totally.” 

“Don't you like your birthday?” JJ shrugs.

( _ I hate it.) _

“Not really.”   
“Why not?” JJ shrugs again, looking at anything but John B. 

(He doesn't really know how to explain all that's wrong with his birthday.)

(John B is looking at him with big pleading eyes, though, and JJ has always been bad at lying to him.)

(It's very annoying.)

(JJ is usually a great liar.)

“April 4th.” He says in the end, because it's John B.

“But that's, like, two weeks from now!” He squeaks and JJ nods.

“Wow, you're such a genius, John B.”   
“We totally have to do something-

“No.” JJ cuts him shorts.

(There's that panicky feelings in his chest, closing his throat, making his hands shake.)

“I don't want to do anything. And you can't tell anybody.” JJ says. John B blinks, eyes wide and mouth still open. Then he nods.

“Promise.” 

JJ has completely forgotten about it by the time his birthday actually rolls around. He's by the beach, has spent the whole day surfing with John B, when finally John B turns to look at him.

“Close your eyes.” He says, and he's grinning and JJ doesn't trust it.

“Why?”

“Just do it.” He says, and JJ closes his eyes. He hears John B shuffle around for a few seconds. “Okay, you can look.” 

JJ opens his eyes, and finds John B holding a tiny cupcake with a candle on it. 

JJ looks up, finds John B staring expectantly at him, eyes big and smile bright.

“Happy birthday, JJ.” He says.

(JJ has to swallow back the tears filling his eyes.)   
( _ Men don't cry, son.)  _

“Come on, make a wish.” John B says and JJ closes his eyes.

( _ Make it last forever.) _

John B takes his hand then, and he whoops when JJ blows out the candles. 

(After that, JJ doesn't hate his birthday as much.)   
(John B buys him a cupcake every year.)

***

When JJ is eleven, and they’re starting middle school, they meet Pope.

Well, they don’t  _ meet  _ him, in the traditional sense of the word.

(It’s more like Pope being shoved against a locker in the changing room by Topper and Kelce, and John B having a hero complex.)

“Hey, leave him alone!” John B yells, pushing Topper away.

(JJ rolls his eyes internally.)

(They don’t even know this kid.)

He stands by John B anyway, glaring at the other two boys.

“Who even are you two?” Kelce asks and JJ rolls his eyes.

“Hello? Did you hit your head or something?” JJ asks, waving. “We shared like, three classes last year.” 

(JJ  _ knows  _ he’s invisible, but  _ damn.) _

(John B snorts by his side.)

“Leave.” John B says, taking a step forward.

Behind them, Pope finally gets up from the floor.

(He’s a scrawny kid, but not as much as JJ.)

(Dark skin and wide eyes.)

“It’s two against three, dude.” JJ points out. 

“I’d go for strategic retreat.” Pope comments, and JJ quirks a smile. 

( _ Funny.) _

Topper and Kelce glance at each other, then glare at John B and JJ.

“This isn’t over.” Topper says, stepping back.

“See you around, bro.” John B says, waving when they leave. John B turns to Pope, hand out.

“I’m John B.” 

“Pope.” He replies, then looks over at JJ. JJ holds out his hand as well.

“JJ.” 

“Nice to meet you both.” He says with a shy smile. JJ grins at him. 

“Tell me, Pope, do you like surfing?”    
“I’ve never done it, actually.” JJ puts a hand over his heart, turning to look at John B.

“Can you believe this guys, John B?” John B grins, putting one arm around Pope’s shoulders.

“You can’t live in the Outer Banks without knowing how to surf.” He says. 

“Let’s go to the beach.” JJ says, and John B is already walking, but Pope hasn’t moved.

“Dude?” 

“There are classes.” Pope says. John B glances at JJ.

“I think he’s one of the good ones, JJ.” John B says, and JJ snorts.

“Nerd.” 

“Fine, we’ll go to class, and  _ then  _ we’ll go surfing. Sounds good?” JJ groans.

“But I have  _ History  _ now. I don’t want to do History.” 

(There’s lots of reading in History.)

“We have the same classes, dumbass.” John B says, knocking their shoulders together. JJ blinks.

“Right. Fine, then.” 

“What do you have, Pope?”   
“English.”    
“Cool, meet us at lunch?” Pope nods, and suddenly there’s three of them.

JJ likes Pope. He’s a smart kid, smarter than John B and definitely of JJ. He’s always spewing random facts, that are actually kind of cool. 

(Like how sharks don’t have bones, which is pretty cool.)

Pope also has a mom, which is new to both JJ and John B.

(John B’s mom left when he was three.)

Mrs. Heyward is very nice, always gives them food when they come over, and asks them how their day went, or what they did in school. She also bakes them cookies every week. 

(They’re amazing, chocolate chip cookies, JJ’s favorite.)

Pope’s dad, Mr. Heyward, is a gruff man.

(JJ keeps his distance at the beginning, trying to figure out if the man is more like JJ’s dad or John B’s dad.)

(He’s neither.)

Mr. Heyward works a lot, like Big John, but he doesn’t disappear for days. He’s always home at the end of the day, and on weekends he plays baseball with them, and teaches them how to fish and talks a lot about his shop and how to run a business.

(Heyward can get anything to anyone.) 

It’s good.

JJ likes Heyward.

***

Today is a good day.

(They spent the whole afternoon on the beach, and John B got bit by a crab, which was very funny, and now Heyward is making them barbecue.)

JJ is staring at the sky, laying down between John B and Pope. 

“That looks like a horse.” John B says, finger pointing to a cloud that does  _ not  _ look like a horse.

“Have you ever seen a horse, John B?” JJ asks, laughing. 

“That’s totally a horse.”   
“No, it’s not.” JJ says, and John B punches him lightly on the arm. “Pope? You’re tie-breaker.” 

“It’s not a horse.” Pope says, and JJ smiles brightly at him.

“Pope, how could you betray me like that?” 

“Shut up, JB. That’s not a horse.” 

“JJ’s right. For once.” This time is JJ that punches Pope on the arm. Pope laughs, rolling away.

“Keep this up and you’ll have no friends, Pope.” JJ threatens, but he’s also smiling so it doesn’t really work. 

“Boys! Dinner is ready.” 

“Thank  _ God,  _ I’m starving.” JJ says, standing up. It smells delicious. 

(He hasn’t eaten anything since yesterday, when he had breakfast at John B's, and he could eat an entire pig.)

Mrs. Heyward makes them wash their hands before they sit down at the big round table. 

She also asks them about their day, and Pope tells her about the surfing, and the crab that bit John B and how big the waves where. 

“Just be careful, boys.” She says, smiling and running her fingers through Pope’s hair. 

(It’s gentle.)

(Must be nice.)

(JJ catches John B’s eyes and he’s also staring at Pope’s mom.)

(He finds John B’s hands under the table and John B squeezes it.)

“Salad, boys?”    
“Ew, no.”    
***

JJ has always been a light sleeper.

( _ Thanks, dad.) _

It’s how he hears John B slipping out of his room to go to the kitchen.

(Like he does every night.)

(JJ sleeps on the pull out couch in the living room, so he knows.)

“John B?” He calls quietly and looks up. John B’s hair are sticking in every direction.

“Hey, JJ, sorry I woke you.”   
“‘s fine. You good?” 

(John B doesn’t sleep a lot. Never has.)

(JJ knows he doesn’t like to sleep alone.) 

(And Big John left almost two weeks ago and hasn’t come back yet.) 

“Yeah. Just gettin’ some water.”

“Get me some?” JJ asks, and a minute later John B is standing by the couch to hand him a glass. JJ downs it quickly, falling back on the pillow. 

He looks up at John B, hovering at the edge of the bed.

“Wanna stay?” He asks, and John B nods immediately. JJ scoots away to make space for him and John B gets under the blanket. 

“‘night, JJ.” 

“G’night, JB.” He replies, eyes already closing again. 

(John B takes JJ’s hand between them, and JJ squeezes it.)

***

JJ has been walking forever.

(Logically, he knows it can’t be  _ forever,  _ but it sure feels like it.)

(His entire left side is burning up, and he's limping, which means he shouldn't be walking, but he really needs to get as far away from his house as possible.)

So he limps.

He walks and stumbles and almost trips a bunch of times, and he doesn't really know where he's going, except that suddenly he looks up and he's at the Chateau.

( _ Safe.) _

He shouldn't do it.

(Big John is gone, but John B is most likely home, and he'll ask questions that JJ isn't sure he can answer.)

Then he's standing on the porch, in front of the house, and he can't stop shaking, and his vision is swimming a little, so he knocks.

It takes a minute, but then the door swings open and there John B is.

(Looking gruff from sleep because it's like 2 a.m. and JJ is really a terrible person.)

“JJ-

“Hey.” JJ whispers, and his voice is hoarse. John B lets him in, eyes wide and hands hovering.

(He doesn't touch JJ, which he appreciates.)

(His skin feels raw and sensitive and he still feels Luke's angry hands on him.)

He drops on the couch like a dead weight, leaning back.

“Jesus.” 

“What happened, JJ?” He doesn't answer.

(He's not sure he can lie right now.)

(Not to John B.)

“It's fine.” He says instead.

“It doesn't look  _ fine,  _ JJ-

“Jus'- can you get me some ice?”

Something switches inside John B's brain, and then he's moving, coming back with a wet towel and the medkit they keep around. 

( _ Just in case,  _ Big John always says.)

(This must be the case.) 

“Can you take your shirt off?” John B asks, and JJ grimaces.

(He really doesn't want to.)

(He doesn't want John B to see all the bruises.)

“JJ?” JJ looks away. 

“Yeah.” He says in the end, because he's got dried blood on his chest and he needs to clean it.

John B helps him out of the tank top when JJ struggles to lift his shoulder, and he has to bite back some tears.

( _ Men don't cry, son.) _

John B gasps when the shirt finally comes off, and JJ immediately wants it back.

“JJ-

“It's fine.” He says again, and it sounds empty even to his own ears.

“What the fuck.” John B says, and his eyes are a bit glassy and JJ has to look away. 

He doesn't say anything, and then John B grabs the wet towel. 

“Can I?” He asks, and JJ nods, eyes still on the ground.

(His chest feels tight, and he can't breathe.)

(But that might be because he has a couple of broken ribs.) 

John B's fingers brush against his skin while he wipes the dried blood away, and JJ flinches every time.

(He half expects it to hurt.)

(For John B to hurt him.)

(Which is ridiculous, because John B has not hurt him  _ once.)  _

“Sorry.” John B whispers when JJ hisses in pain at some point, and JJ blinks the tears away.

“It's fine.” He says through clenched teeth. 

Once John B is done, he gets up and grabs some ice packs from the refrigerator and JJ presses them on his side, winching at the cold.

(It feels good against his burning skin.)

“What happened?” John B asks again, and JJ lays down on the couch, staring at the ceiling.

“Nothing, drop it, John B.” 

(He should know John B is too stubborn.)

“Who did this, JJ?”

(JJ can't do this.)

(Not right now, when Luke's words are still swimming in his head and his hands are lingering on his skin.)

“John B-

“Don't lie to me, JJ. Jus'- don't.  _ Please _ .” 

(John B's eyes are worried and big.)   
(JJ can't stop shaking.)

“I can't- I can't, John B-

“Why not? You can tell me anything, JJ.” He says and JJ knows that's true. 

He runs his hands through his hair, fingers pulling at the strands, and it stings.

_ (Breathe.) _

(He can't.)

John B takes his hands then, pulling them away and JJ looks up.

(John B is staring at him and JJ can't look away.)

“It's my dad.” It comes out before JJ can stop it, and he watches John B's eyes going big and wide, his mouth falling open and JJ covers his mouth with his hand because he just fucked up massively.

“Shit.” He whispers. 

_ (He'll kill me.) _

(JJ knows it the same way he knows his name.)

“JJ-   
“Fuck, shit- oh  _ fuck- _

“JJ, hey, it’s okay-

JJ grabs the front of John B’s shirt then, pulling him closer, and whatever John B was about to say is lost forever.

He looks at John B directly into his eyes when he speaks.

“You can’t tell  _ anyone.”  _ JJ says, and his voice is shaking. “You have to promise me you won’t tell anyone.” 

John B looks confused.

“But JJ-   
“ _ Promise.”  _

“That’s not right, JJ, we can get help-

“I don’t  _ need  _ help, John B. It’s  _ fine.”  _

(The lie tastes bitter on his tongue.)

(He doesn’t like lying to John B.)

“JJ-

“John B, I swear to God, if you tell anyone, I will personally come after your sorry ass-   
“ _ Fine,  _ I promise.” John B says, and JJ lets him go. He runs his hands through his blond hair, pushing the strands away from his face.

( _ God.) _

“You okay?” John B asks, because he’s like that.

“It’s  _ fine, _ John B.” JJ can’t breathe. “It’s just that sometimes- sometimes he drinks too much, and- he- he gets angry ‘cause I’m- you know, messed up, so he- he’s just- I don’t-

“JJ, hey-

JJ clamps his mouth shut, forcing back the tears pooling in his eyes.

( _ Men don’t cry, son.)  _

“ _ Fuck.”  _

“Hey, JJ, look at me, hey it’s okay. You’re fine now, I’m right here, you’re okay.” 

(It shouldn’t help as much as it does, having John B so close.)

(JJ is not stupid, despite what everyone says, he  _ knows  _ it’s a bit weird, definitely fucked up.)

(He doesn’t care.) 

John B takes his hand, and JJ lets him, and then John B pulls him and JJ goes, resting his head on John B’s shoulder.

(John B smells like the sea and the sun and the beach.) 

( _ Safe.)  _

A sobs tears past JJ’s lips, and then he’s crying, full on sobbing and it’s pathetic but JJ can’t stop. 

John B just holds him tighter, his arms wrapped around JJ’s shaking body, fingers running up and down his back.

( _ Safe.) _

(It leaves him breathless.) 

It takes forever for JJ to calm down enough that he can breathe again, and when he does he pulls back from John B. 

“Sorry, ‘bout all that.” JJ whispers, wiping his cheeks, and John B shakes his head.

(His hands are still on JJ’s arms, warm and solid and real.) 

“It’s okay, JJ.” John B whispers back, and he takes JJ’s hand, and then he lays down on the couch, taking JJ with him. “Try to sleep. It’ll be better tomorrow.” 

(JJ wants to ask how he knows, but it’s John B, and John B always knows everything and never lies to JJ, so JJ decides to take a leap of faith and trusts him.) 

John B curls around JJ, pulling him close so he’s pressed again John B’s chest.

( _ Safe.) _

“It’ll be okay, JJ.” John B whispers, and in the darkness it’s easier to believe him. 

“Yeah.” JJ says quietly, and John B’s fingers tighten on JJ’s shirt, just for a second. 

_ (Safe.)  _

There’s another pause, and JJ knows John B is not done.

“You’re not messed up, JJ. You dad-

“Drop it.” 

“It’s not your fault, JJ.” John B says, with so much certainty in his voice, that JJ can almost believe him. JJ doesn’t say anything, can’t, really, but John B doesn’t seem to mind.

“Goodnight, JJ.” John B whispers after a while.

“Goodnight, JB.” 

(JJ falls asleep to John B’s steady heartbeat and warm hands.) 


	2. Blinding lights

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi, kiddos, welcome back!   
> So, this chapter is super dark with an extra dose of angst, so please read the warnings at the end and stay safe!   
> Comments and kudos are always appreciated :D
> 
> Song: Blinding Lights by The Weeknd

_ [I said, I'm blinded by the lights _

_ No, I can't sleep until I feel your touch _

_ I said, I'm drowning in the night _

_ Oh, when I'm like this, you're the one I trust _

_ I'm running out of time _

_ 'Cause I can see the sun light up the sky _

_ So I hit the road in overdrive, baby _

_ Oh, the city's cold and empty  _

_ No one's around to judge me  _

_ I can't see clearly when you're gone] _

  
  


When JJ is twelve, life becomes shit. 

( _ Shittier _ .)

First of all, Luke starts taking pills.

(And with them come mood swings and less money.)

(JJ is hungry more often.)

(And more bruised.)

Second of all, JJ starts getting nightmares.

(He  _ always  _ has had nightmares, but  _ now- _

(Now it’s almost every night.)

JJ is tired a lot these days.

***

JJ keeps his eyes down.

“Can’t  _ fuckin’  _ believe it, you piece of shit.” 

(JJ isn’t even sure why he’s mad now.)

(Whatever he took has made him angry, and JJ has always been Luke’s favorite punchbag.)

“You bastard, keep stealin’ from me.” He slurs a bit, grabbing the front of JJ’s shirt. 

(And for once, he didn’t steal anything.) 

( _ Great.) _

“Dad.” He whispers, sucking in a sharp breath. “I didn’t do it.”    
“Sure you fuckin’ did. I know you did, always takin’ my shit. Ungrateful  _ bitch _ .”    
Luke backhands him across the face, and JJ swallows down the tears pooling in his eyes.

( _ Men don’t cry, son.)  _

“Dad, please-

“Shut up, piece of shit. I’ll teach you a lesson, teach you not to take my things, fuckin’ bastard.” Luke pushes him against the wall, fist colliding with the side of JJ’s face again. 

JJ looks up to find red eyes, filled with burning anger. 

He can taste blood in his mouth.

(He has to get out.) 

He pushes back, and Luke holds him tighter, slamming his head against the wall again and again and  _ again.  _

(The world is a bit blurry.)

“Dad, dad, I didn’t-

“Shut  _ the fuck  _ up, shit.” Luke’s hand closes around his throat and he  _ throws  _ JJ against another wall. JJ drops to his knees, pain shooting through his body and darkness pulling at his vision. 

( _ Get up.) _

JJ tries, tries with all the energy he has to get up, because he needs to leave, needs to get away from him-

Luke’s on him, holding him down, and JJ can’t breathe.

(Panic and Luke’s hands cutting out his airways, and he can’t breathe, lungs burning,  _ fuck- _

Luke lets go and JJ sucks in sharp breath, coughing and trying to wiggle himself away from under him. Luke punches him right in the stomach, and JJ is too exposed, can’t curl on himself-

“Piece of shit.” Luke growls again, and then it’s all red, blood in front of his eyes and in his mouth and he can’t breathe, can’t move, can’t see  _ anything- _

It seems to go on forever, and by the end of it JJ has been quiet for a while, hands raised to his face, trying and failing to protect himself. 

Luke stumbles to his feet again, swaying a bit and immediately reaching for a bottle of whiskey from the counter. JJ doesn’t move.

(He really can’t.) 

He stays there for a long time, until he hears Luke leaving the house to go drink in a ditch or something, and JJ finally forces his eyes open.

(It’s all too bright, so he has to try again.)

( _ Get up.) _

He can’t move, he has no energy left and everything hurts too much.

( _ Get up. Get up.) _

(He wants to cry himself to sleep, wants to curl on himself and close his eyes forever.)

( _ Get up. Get up. Get up.) _

It takes all of JJ’s will power to get on his knees, and then he has to take a minute to blink away the dots in front of his eyes and the blinding pain frying his nerves.

( _ Come on, get up. Get up _ .)

It’s a struggle, and there are tears running down his cheeks and he can’t breathe and he’s shaking from head to toe, but he’s  _ up _ .

He stumbles to the bathroom, leaning heavily against the wall. He washes the blood from his face with cold water and he should totally take a shower, but his legs feel like jelly and he’s exhausted so that’s going to be a problem for tomorrow.

For now, he manages to get to his bed, locking the door of his room behind himself and slides under the blankets, passing out as soon as he hits the pillow.

(Tomorrow, he’ll let John B patch him up.)

***

“Do you think girls are pretty?” John B asks him and Pope when they’re on the beach.

(JJ can’t surf today, still too bruised, so they’re just sitting down.)

“What do you mean?” JJ asks, because he has never really thought about it.

There are some girls on the beach, but it’s winter and it’s kinda cold outside, so the beaches are kinda empty.

“I don’t know.” Pope says. “They smell nice, I guess.” He says. 

“Yeah.” JJ agrees, because they do. Always of flowers.

“But, like, do you think they’re pretty?” John B asks again, and he’s got that look he has when he’s thinking really hard about something. 

“Why? Do you?” JJ asks, and John B blushes. “You totally do!” JJ says, sitting up with a big grin. 

“Who?” Pope asks, smiling too. John B shrugs.    
“I’m just sayin’.”    
“Oh my God, you have a crush.” JJ says, and John B punches him on the arm. 

JJ winches.

(He’s still bruised.)

“Shit, sorry.” John B whispers, eyes suddenly much bigger than before. JJ gives him a smile, shaking his head.

“It’s fine.” He says. “Tell us about her.” 

John B lays back down, and JJ and Pope follow him.    
(The sky is dark and cloudy above them, and JJ knows it’s going to rain tonight.)

“Well, her name is Lisa. She’s pretty, we have Math together.” John B says, and JJ rolls his eyes.

“Nerd.” 

“You’re literally better than me in math, what are you even talking about?” 

(It’s true, JJ is good at math.)   
(Math makes sense, there are no swimming letters in math.)

“Anyway, tell us more.”    
“Well, she’s blonde and has brown eyes. She let me borrow one of her pens, you know the one girls always have? With, like, glitters and shit?” John B gesticulates when he speak, hands waving in the air. “Anyway, she let me borrow one of those, and then we talked for the whole class. She’s nice.”    
“Cute.” JJ comments. 

“Like, what do I do now?” JJ shrugs and Pope shakes his head.

(Girls have never been on their radar up until now.)

“Hey, Pope, you should ask you dad. I bet he knows.”    
“Gross, JJ.” JJ smirks, closing his eyes. 

“I’m sure you’ll figure it out, John B. You’re a big boy.” 

“Thanks for nothing guys.”    
“You got it, bro.” JJ says, winking at him. John B rolls his eyes.

(He’s still smiling.)

***

When JJ is fourteen, they start high school, and it’s different from middle school.

First off, John B makes friend with a  _ girl.  _

Which is new, and Kiara is a Kook, so it’s also weird that she wants to hang out with them.

Suddenly she’s everywhere, all the time.

(With them at the beach, at the Chateau, on the HMS POGUE.)

She’s cool though.

(It takes longer for JJ to warm up to her.)

(All the voice in his head are yelling at him that Kooks can’t be trusted.)

(But she’s cool.)

(She cares a lot about turtles and all that environmental shit.)

Kiara is different than the boys. 

She smiles a lot, and puts her hand on JJ’s arm, which makes him flinch every time, because he’s not used to that. 

(Casual touches like that, only John B can put a hand on his shoulder without making him flinch.) 

(He likes it though.)

(He  _ trusts  _ Kie and Pope the same way he trusts John B.)

(Well,  _ not really _ , but it’s a close thing.)

So anyway, now there’s four of them, the Pogues, and JJ spends most nights at the Chateau, and life isn’t so bad. 

***

“Yo, JJ. Look at that.” John B elbows him gently on the side to get his attention, and JJ turns around to follow John B’s eyes. “She’s looking at you, dude.” He says, and JJ’s gaze land on a group of girls, whispering and laughing between themselves. 

There’s a pretty brunette staring at him, and JJ smiles at her.

“You know her?” 

“Touron.” John B replies.

“Easy.” JJ says, getting up.

“JJ, leave the girl alone.” Kie calls behind him, and JJ turns to look at her, smiling his cheekiest grin.

“But why? She’s staring at me, Kie, she  _ wants  _ me.”    
“You’re unbelievable.” Kie says, rolling her eyes.    
“I pity her.” Pope agrees. John B gives him a thumb up instead.

“Be nice to her!” Kie says, flicking some sand at him. 

“Oh, I’ll be  _ extra nice  _ to her.” He says, winking, and Kie makes a puking sound.

The girl, Lexi, is fun.    
She laughs at JJ’s stupid jokes, and smells like something sweet (like vanilla or some other shit like that) and leans closer to JJ every minute that passes.

So JJ kisses her, cupping her cheek with his hand.

(It’s not his first kiss, a girl in his english class from last year was.) 

(JJ likes to think he has improved his  _ technique  _ since then.) 

They kiss for a while and it’s nice and then Lexi pulls back, getting a pack of cigarettes out.

“You want one?” JJ nods, because he never refuses anything that’s for free. She hands it to him, and JJ holds up the lighter for her and then for himself.

It tastes like shit, and JJ has to suppress a cough, blinking away a stray tear. JJ really doesn’t see all the appeal. 

(He guesses he does feel a bit more relaxed after, head swimming for just a second.)

(And he likes the smell, to be honest.)

***

JJ has taken up smoking.

(It makes him feel cool.)

(And it does relax him.)

Pope and Kie both glare at him, but JJ can’t be bothered. John B instead steals a cigarette or two from him every once in a while.

He also smokes his first blunt, and  _ that  _ is something JJ likes very much.

It happens completely by chance. 

JJ and John B are sneaking out of school, skipping last period, when they see a bunch of guys sitting right outside the school gates. 

“You want some?” One of the guys asks. They’re older, JJ knows. Seniors. 

(John B never refuses free things either.)

So they sit down with them, and the same guy hands them the blunt. JJ tries it first, taking a long drag.

(It’s different from cigarettes, stronger, sharper, burns more.)

(But it’s good.)

They stay for a while, and JJ is boneless and floating a little and he’s never laughed harder, and John B is leaning heavily against him and it’s good.

(None of the bruises on his chest are hurting, and JJ’s mind is blessedly quiet.)

(It leaves him a bit breathless.)

(He hadn’t realized how loud it was in his head until now.)

(It’s so good.)

***

Freshmen year keeps bringing surprises.

JJ loses his virginity at the end of school, with a girl one year older than him.

(Carly, long brown hair that falls in pretty waves on her shoulders.)

(It was awkward as fuck, lots of fumbling and JJ lowkey hated it, until he came and then he hated it a lot less.)

John B pats him on the shoulder the day after and he never talks to Carly again.

So that’s that, it’s not a big deal. After class he goes out with the rest of the Pogues and he shares a blunt with John B, and Pope is glaring at him.

“You’re killing all of your braincells.”   
“You’d have to have them to kill them.” John B says, grinning, and JJ pushes him in the sand. John B rolls on his side, laughing, and kicks some sand in the general direction of where JJ is.

He misses completely and ends up kicking Kie.

(It’s war.)

They end up rolling in the sand, one on top of each other, and JJ is laughing so hard he can’t breathe. 

***

JJ’s not a fan of his boss. 

(He’s working part time at a gas station, now.)

(Someone has to have a job in this family.)

Anyway, his boss is not  _ bad.  _

(He pays JJ a bit more than minimum wage and lets him pick his hours.)

It’s just- something doesn’t sit right with him. 

(Maybe it’s the way he touches JJ’s arms or back anytime they’re close.)

(Maybe it’s the way he looks at JJ.)

(Like he’s a piece of meat.)

Tonight is a night like the others. 

It’s a slow night, not many customers, and JJ is just sitting behind the counter.

He’s slipping a Snicker in his pocket when the man comes in the shop. 

Zack (that’s his name) smiles at him and JJ smiles back.

“No one here?” He asks and JJ shakes his head.

“Slow night.” He replies, chin propped on his hand. Zack’s eyes are stuck on JJ.

(He doesn’t like that, he doesn’t like that  _ at all _ .)

“Well, I guess you can go home early. No point in keeping open.” Zack says and JJ is on his feet in a second.

“Cool, thanks, I’ll see you tomorrow.” Zack nods, but he’s standing between JJ and the door and doesn’t look like he’s about to move. “Bye?” He says, and it comes out as a question.

( _ God, please let me go.) _

Zack comes closer and now JJ can smell the stench of alcohol coming off him.

(It’s familiar in the worst possible way.)

“Why don’t you stay for a second?” Zack says, voice low, and JJ can’t breathe.

“I have- I have to go, I-

Then Zack is on him, pushing him back until JJ’s pressed against the counter, the edge of it digging in his back.

_ (Fuck, fuck, no, god no, please, please- _

“Let me go-

“Shut up.” Zack backhands him across the face, and JJ can feel tears burning in his eyes.

( _ Men don’t cry, son.) _

Zack takes both of his wrists and holds them behind JJ’s back, his other hand slipping under JJ’s shirt.

(His fingers burn on JJ’s skin.)

“Come on, be a good boy, now.” Zack growls, fingers tightening on JJ’s hips.

(It’s hard enough that it’ll leave bruises.) 

Zack leans down to crash their mouths together and JJ wants to puke. 

“Get off-

“Shut up, bitch.” Zack says against his skin and  _ fuck, fuck, shit- _

JJ starts trashing, manages to wiggle one hand out and punches him right on his fucking nose.

Zack lets him go all of a sudden, and JJ is moving before he can even process it, and he’s running and running and Zack calls after him but JJ is already gone.

  
  


JJ has been sitting under the spray at the Chateau long enough that the water has turned cold.

(They’ve got a nice bath here.)

No one is home.

(Big John left a couple of days go.)

(And John B is out with Pope and Kie, JJ was supposed to meet them after his shift.)

(Guess that’s not happening anymore.)

(So JJ is alone.)

He stares at his hands, and his teeth are clattering because the water has turned ice cold now, but he can’t bring himself to move.

(He’s never felt like this.)

(He’s scrubbed his skin raw and still feels Zack’s hands on him.)

There’s a finger-shaped bruise on his hip.

(He wants to peel his skin off , tight and itchy and uncomfortable.)

JJ can’t breathe.

He bends over and then he’s throwing up everything he has in his stomach.

(Which was not much to begin with.)

“Fuck.” He whispers to himself, pulling at his hair. “Shit, God.”    
( _ Pull yourself together.) _

_ (It was nothing, it was nothing, it was  _ nothing-

(JJ has never hated himself more.)

Nothing even happen,  _ nothing  _ happen, JJ is just blowing things out of proportion like he always does, he’s  _ weak,  _ and pathetic-

“JJ? Are you in there?” John B’s voice registers in his head, distant and muffled.

JJ still can’t breathe.

( _ There’s not air, hands holding him down, touching and grabbing and pulling- _

“JJ? Dude, you in there?” 

( _ Get up.) _

JJ can’t.   
“Yeah.” He calls out, because John B is trying to open the door now, knocking, and JJ is sitting on his bathroom floor, crying like a goddamn baby for  _ no reason. _

“You okay?” John B asks, and it’s quieter now.

JJ shakes his head, pulls his knees up to his chest and hides his face in there.

( _ Get up.) _

(He really doesn’t want John B to see him like this.)

He gets up, legs shaky under him.

He turns off the water and grabs a towel to wrap himself in it.

“JJ?” John B says again from behind the door.

“Go away.” He says, dressing up quickly and avoiding the mirror like the fucking plague.

(He stole one of John B’s hoodie, and it hangs a bit big on him.)

(It smells like him.)

(Of salt and sand and smoke.)

“JJ, you okay?”    
“I said  _ go away!”  _ He’s screaming now.

(He can’t see anything, head pounding.)

He reaches blindly for the door and yanks it open and pushes past John B, looking at anything but him.

“Gotta go.” He says, hates how broken his voice sounds, and he’s halfway to the door when John B takes his wrist.

(JJ acts on instinct.)

He pulls his hand free, jerking back until he hits the wall and then he’s on the floor, and he can’t breathe, can’t  _ breathe- _

“JJ!” John B is right in front of him, and he’s reaching out for him and JJ thinks he might break if he does.

“Don’t touch me.” He growls, clenching his fists. 

( _ Please, please no, no, god, no- _

“Okay, yeah, okay, JJ you need to breathe, man.” John B says, and his eyes are wide and scared.

(JJ is fucking terrified.)

(Panic closing his throat, and chest so tight it hurts.)

( _ Hands on him, demanding and painful- _

JJ pulls at his hair then, hard, and it’s sharp enough that it pulls him back to the here and now, to the Chateau and to John B’s eyes and hovering hands.

( _ Home.) _

“JJ.” John B says like he hadn’t meant to say it at all, and JJ pulls his knees up to his chest, wrapping his arms around himself.

( _ Shit, fuck, shit, shit, shit- _

“I’m fine.” He grits out, and he still can’t breathe but at least the hands are gone.

(Not really, JJ can still feel the faint touches on his skin.)

( _ Burning _ .)

“Yeah, you look totally fine.” John B says, hands still hanging in the air over JJ and JJ hates that he’s so broken that he can’t take his best friend touching him.

( _ God, you’re so fucking messed up.) _

( _ Men don’t cry, son.) _

He forces himself to take a deep breath, and it makes him cough, and he feels a bit light-headed and he really wishes he could disappear right about now.

(But he can’t, so he closes his eyes instead.)

John B is talking, and JJ can’t really make out what he’s saying but that’s okay.

(John B’s voice feels like honey and it’s familiar, it’s grounding and warm and soft.)

( _ Home.) _

He lets John B’s words, whatever they are, wash over him, until he can breathe again.

Then he opens his eyes. 

“JJ.” John B whispers, and JJ can’t take it.

(His eyes are too soft, and JJ feels too raw.)

He forces himself to get up and leans against the wall when his vision goes black for a second.

“JJ-

“I’m fine.” He lies through clenched teeth and walks to John B’s room, where they keep the weed. 

(Rolling a blunt with shaking hands is a challenge.)

(He’s very determined.)

John B sits beside him on the bed, without touching and JJ hates him a little for knowing him so well.

(JJ might break if John B keeps looking at him like that.)

(Soft, and worried, and scared, and warm.)

(He doesn’t meet John B’s eyes.)

Instead, he lights up and takes a long drag.

( _ Breathe.) _

John B doesn’t say anything.

JJ smokes through half the blunt before his hand stop shaking. 

_ (Breathe.) _

He does.    
(In and out, smoke curling above them.)

“What happened?” John B asks, and JJ doesn’t answer. He goes through the rest of the blunt before he finds his voice.

(Still doesn’t look at John B.)

“Turn out- turns out Zack from the gas station likes them young.” He says.

(And he wants to rip the skin off his body.)

“Christ, JJ-

JJ gets up and whatever John B was going to say is cut short. JJ is walking then, and the world is swimming a little.

(His hands are itching.)

“JJ, wait!” JJ doesn’t.    
He’s at the beach before he can process it, John B by his side, quiet.

(He’s staring, and JJ doesn’t look at him.)

Instead, he stares at the Kooks, passing around a bottle by a bonfire.

(Rafe, and Topper, and Kelce and that other guy, Nick or Nicky or whatever.)

“Go home, John B.” He says without turning.

(John B shouldn’t get dragged in this.)

“What the fuck are you even talking about? As if I’d leave you alone now.”   
(JJ really hates him sometimes.) 

He whips around to stare hard at John B.

“Go home.” He growls. 

“No.” John B’s jaw is set, and he holds JJ’s glare. 

(JJ looks away first.)

“JJ-

“Shut  _ the fuck  _ up, John B, I-

“Hey, Pogues, did you get lost?” Topper’s voice cuts through the air and JJ whips around.

(His hands are still itching.)

“Fuck off, Topper.” He growls, and Topper looks surprised. Then he’s sneering, and they’re all standing, coming closer.

“Bad night?” Topper continues, and JJ hears Kelce snicker behind him.

JJ throws the first punch, straight on Topper’s Kook nose.

(It doesn't feel half as good as he hoped.)

(He’ll take it.)

Rafe punches him back, and he catches Nicky (Nick?) and Kelce going at John B and he feels a bit guilty, but not enough to stop.

He and Rafe end up rolling on the sand until Topper pulls him back and holds him down and Rafe starts kicking him.

He fights back.

(Not as hard as he could.)

(He sees red and tastes blood, and his skin isn’t itching as much anymore.) 

***

JJ isn’t coping too well. 

(He’s not coping at  _ all.)  _

He spends the entire week after  _ it  _ high off his fucking mind.

(Or drunk.)

(He’s turning into Luke and doesn’t know how to stop.) 

He’s high right now, trying to drown the ugly thoughts twirling in his minds.

(And trying to erase  _ his  _ hands from his body, the burning feeling they left behind.) 

“JJ?” John B calls him, and JJ doesn’t look at him.

(He’s been sleeping at the Chateau.)

(He can’t take a beating from Luke right now.) 

“You awake?” It’s late, probably 2 or 3 in the morning, but JJ is not tired.

(Well, he  _ is,  _ but he can’t sleep.)   
( _ His  _ hands are much more real in his dreams.) 

“Yeah.” He mumbles, forcing his eyes open. 

John B is laying beside him on the bed, a decent amount of space between them.

(Lately, JJ can’t really take being touched.) 

(John B has picked up on it.) 

“Are you okay?” John B asks, and JJ laughs.

(He’s really fucking high.) 

He lights up a cigarette.

“What are you? The cheap knock-off of a therapist?” He asks and John B sighs.

“I’m serious.”

(JJ can’t do this.) 

“Yeah, fuckin’ fine, bro.” 

(He knows John B sees right through his bullshit.)

“What happened the other day-

“Don’t.” JJ growls then, sitting up. 

(John B has a black eye, from the fight JJ dragged him into that night.) 

“I’m not talkin’ about it, John B.” He says, and hates how his voice cracks at the end. 

John B sits up too, and he’s looking at JJ with heavy eyes.

(They burn on JJ’s skin.)

(He wants to hide.) 

JJ gets up, and goes to the kitchen table so he can roll another blunt.

( _ His  _ hands feel more real than they should right now.) 

( _ Holding his wrists, holding him down, pulling, grabbing- _

JJ rolls the blunt quickly and he hears John B come up to him, but he doesn’t look at him.

(He can’t take the way John B looks at him.) 

(Soft, and warm, and gentle and right into his fucking soul.)

(JJ can’t stand it.) 

( _ Broken, stupid, worthless, dirty.)  _

“Maybe talking would help.”

JJ’s hands are shaking and he can’t even close the blunt.

“Fuck.” He says and he feels tears burning in his eyes.

(It’s so fucking stupid,  _ nothing  _ happened, Zack did  _ nothing- _

“Drop it.” JJ says again, voice thick. 

John B picks up the paper and closes the blunt for him, and JJ avoids his eyes like the fucking plague. 

John B holds the lighter for him, and JJ lights up quickly, getting back up to pace the room.

(He feels jittery, and shaky and restless.) 

He takes a long drag from the blunt, the smoke burning in his lungs.

( _ Breathe.)  _

“You can’t ignore it forever, JJ, what happened-

“ _ Nothing  _ happened.” JJ growls, glaring hard at John B. 

(John B doesn’t look too impressed.)

(JJ really fucking hates him sometimes.) 

“He tried to-

JJ is on him in a second, pushing John B against the wall, effectively shutting him up.

(His skin is on fire.) 

“ _ Don’t  _ fucking say it, John B.” 

“You can’t just pretend it didn’t happen, JJ!” John B’s eyes are piercing right into JJ’s soul right now. 

(It takes an effort to not look away.) 

“Fucking  _ watch  _ me.” JJ says through clenched teeth, and he has to pull back, because he can't take being so close to him anymore. 

( _ Angry hands, demanding, burning- _

“JJ, just-

“ _ Just  _ what, John B? What the fuck do you want me to say?” He’s yelling now, and he can’t breathe, chest heavy and tight. “What the fuck do you want me to say, uh? That I can’t stop thinkin’ about it? That I still feel his fuckin’- that everytime I think about it- I just want to- to- to  _ rip  _ off my own skin?” 

( _ Stop. Stop, stop, stop, please- _

“Shit- fuck-

“JJ-

“Shut  _ the fuck  _ up- Jesus-

JJ pulls back then.

(His skin is crawling, prickling, and JJ is burning, drowning- 

(He can’t breathe, he can’t see anything-

( _ Shit, shit, fuck, please- _

“JJ, it’s okay, you’re home, you’re safe, you’re  _ safe- _

John B’s voice feels so far away. 

JJ finds himself on the floor, pulling at his own hair, trying to make his lungs work again.

(He can’t, he  _ can’t- _

_ (Please, I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry- _

“JJ, you need to slow down, you need to breathe slower-

“I can’t.” He chokes out and he looks up and John B is much closer now,  _ too  _ close. “Go away.” 

“I’m not leaving you alone now, JJ.” 

“I can’t- John B, I can’t-  _ please- _

John B steps back.

(It makes the situation slightly better.) 

“JJ, look at me.” 

(John B’s voice is warm and soft and familiar.) 

JJ’s brain zeros on him.

“JJ, you’re not there anymore. You’re at the Chateau, you’re  _ home,  _ you’re safe.” John B’s voice cuts through the haze in JJ’s mind.

(John B always manages to be the most important thing in JJ’s brain.) 

JJ lets him. 

(He lets John B’s eyes, golden and scared and familiar, bring him back.)

(Lets John B’s voice wash over him, grounding and solid and real.)

(John B is  _ real _ .)

( _ And Zack is not.) _

JJ pulls at his hair again, a sobs escaping his lips.

( _ Men don’t cry, son.)  _

He forces his eyes away from John B, to look around. 

( _ Safe, safe, it’s not real- _

“The Chateau.” He whispers and sees John B nod, eyes wide and hands hovering.

(JJ is glad he doesn’t reach out.)

(JJ might just break if he does.) 

“Yeah, you’re home, JJ.”

( _ Home.) _

_ (Safe.)  _

“Right.” He swallows the tears pooling in his eyes. 

“JJ?” JJ doesn’t answer.

(Can’t find his voice.) 

“JJ,  _ breathe.”  _

(JJ couldn’t tell him no even if he wanted to.) 

( _ Breathe.)  _

He does.

He sucks in a sharp breath, choking a little on air and leaning forward, one hand pressed to his chest.

(He can feel his own heart racing under his palm.)

( _ Alive, you’re alive, you’re fine- _

JJ looks up again, blond strands falling in front of his eyes, and he’s so tired.

“JJ?” John B asks again, and JJ nods, holding his gaze.

“‘m okay.” He grits out. 

(He’s really not, but it doesn’t really matter either.) 

“Christ, JJ- I’m so sorry, I shouldn’t have- shouldn’t have pushed, Jesus-

“Not your fault.” JJ interrupts him.

(And it’s true.)

(It’s JJ that’s fucked up.) 

“Jesus.” John B runs one hand through his hair, and JJ follows the moment with his eyes, still panting.

(He’s shaking, and it feels like he’s about to pass out, and he’s so, so tired.) 

John B moves slowly, when he gets up to grab a glass of water from the sink. He hands it to JJ along with a cigarette and JJ takes both, downing the water and lighting up in a second. 

(The smoke tastes familiar in his mouth.)

( _ Safe, safe, safe- _

He can feel John B’s eyes on him, and he hates it.

“Stop.” He says, voice hoarse, and he doesn’t look at John B.

“I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have pushed.” 

“It’s fine.” He says, and he sees John B set his jaw. 

(He looks like he’s about to get into a fight.)

(JJ really does not have the energy to argue with him.)

“John B-

“You should report him. At the very least.” 

“No.”

There’s no way JJ is talking about any of this with anyone but John B. 

(And the police already failed him so many times.) 

“It’s fine.”

“Don’t do that, JJ. Don’t lie to me,  _ please.”  _

JJ can’t look at him. 

He gets up to roll another blunt, and he should really slow down, but his head is pounding and he feels shaky and jittery and his skin is on fucking fire, so  _ fuck  _ slowing down.

JJ rolls a blunt quickly and then sits back and lights up, letting the smell of weed wash over him, the smoke burning in his throat. 

John B comes to sit beside him, and he’s still staring. 

(It’d be much easier to pretend it didn’t happen if John B would just ignore it as well.) 

(He knows there’s not a chance John B will drop it.) 

“You know you can talk to me, right?”

“John B-

“You don’t have to do everything by yourself.” 

(JJ  _ knows  _ that, he does, it’s just-

(How do you even talk about this? What’s he supposed to say? What-

“I just- he- he came up to me and he- he- I- he grabbed my hands and held- and then he started to like- like,  _ touch  _ me and he wouldn’t- I told him to- 

“JJ-

“I told him to stop and he wouldn’t-  _ shit.” _

JJ can feel panic close his throat again, and his vision is blurry again, and  _ fuck,  _ it’s happening again.

(JJ isn’t sure it ever stopped.) 

“JJ, hey, look at me, okay? Stay with me, JJ, stay with me. You’re home.” 

( _ Home.) _

_ (Safe.)  _

JJ runs his shaking hands through his hair, pulling at the strands and it’s good, it works, the pain it’s sharp enough that it keeps him to here and now.

( _ Breathe.) _

JJ takes a long drag from the blunt, watching the smoke curl in pretty shapes above them.

“JJ?”   
“I’m fine.” He says and John B nods, fists clenched.

“Yeah, yeah.” 

JJ keeps smoking then, and doesn’t say anything else for a while.

(He’s so tired.)

“‘m gonna sleep.” He says, getting up. 

“Yeah, okay. Take the bed?” John B offers and JJ shakes his head. 

(He doesn’t think he could sleep with John B in the same bed.) 

“No, thanks.” He says quietly and makes his way to the pulled-out couch, getting under the blankets. 

John B is standing on the edge of his bedroom, staring at JJ. 

“Call me if you need anything, yeah?” John B says and JJ nods, curling on himself. “I mean it, JJ. We’ll get through this together.” 

(JJ has to blink away some tears again.) 

“Yeah.” He chokes out, and then John B is hesitating, looking like he wants to say something else and then deciding against it. 

(JJ is too exhausted to even wonder what it might have been.) 

Then John B sighs. 

“It wasn’t your fault, JJ. And it’ll be okay. I promise.” 

And with that John B disappears in his bedroom, and JJ is left staring at the spot where he was three seconds ago.

( _ It wasn’t your fault.)  _

(JJ just assumed it was, hadn’t he?)

(It’s  _ always  _ his fault.) 

(But John B-

John B doesn’t lie to him.

( _ Christ- _

_ (Not your fault, not your fault, not your fault- _

He’s crying, he realizes, silent tears rolling down his cheeks and  _ wow. _

(John B  _ never  _ lies to him.)

( _ Jesus Christ, what the fuck- _

JJ doesn’t sleep, he can’t, and he knows John B isn’t sleeping either, and that makes it slightly better.

(He’s thinking, JJ is.)

(About what John B said, trying to make sense of the tangled thoughts in his head.) 

( _ Not your fault, not your fault- _

He’s not really sure what to make of it.

(Except, that John B never fucking lies to him, so it must be true?) 

When the sun starts to rise, JJ closes his eyes, and he’s so fucking tired, and he wishes he could stop thinking for a second and just  _ sleep. _

He hears John B come out of the bedroom, shuffling quietly to the bathroom, and opens one eye to look at him.

(His hair is sticking up on one side, and he looks even more tired than JJ feels.) 

(The sunrise washes him in gold and warmth.) 

JJ decides to believe him.

( _ Not your fault.) _

When JJ closes his again, he sleeps. 

***

“Ready?” John B asks, and JJ has never been more sure in his entire life. 

“Yeah.” He replies. 

(His heart is about to jump out of his chest, and his hands are shaking a little, but he’s sure.) 

(That piece of shit is going to regret what he’s done.) 

John B pull the bandana over his face, and JJ does the same, his cap hiding his blond hair. 

(It’s not a great disguise, but it’ll have to do.) 

They walk up to Zack’s car and John B stands watch, while JJ forces the car door open. 

The door gives out after a minute, and JJ yanks it open. 

John B hands him the tank of gasoline and JJ pours it inside, making sure to coat every inch of the leather seats.

(It’s a fancy car. Expensive.) 

“Cool.” JJ says, pulling back and then he fishes a cigarette out of his pockets and lights up, watching the flame burn for a second.

JJ glances at him, and John B nods, also staring at the burning cigarette.

( _ Fight fire with fire.)  _

They take a step back and JJ throws the cigarette under the car then, and they turn around, running, a loud  _ boom  _ following them and JJ whips around to see the car on fire.

“Let’s go.” John B hisses and JJ keeps running, a smile pulling at his lips. 

( _ Fuck.) _

They stop when they’re far away, and JJ can hear sirens in the distance. He pulls the bandana off his face, hiding behind the wall of some house. He turns around to find John B grinning at him, and it makes JJ smiles.

“Shit, we did it.” He whispers and John B nods.

“Fuck yeah, we did.” 

(JJ knows this is the moment where normally John B hugs him.) 

(It sure looks like he wants to.) 

JJ steps back a little.

( _ Not yet.)  _

“How do you feel?” John B asks and JJ takes a second to think about it.

(He knows setting Zack’s car on fire won’t make him sleep any better, nor it’s gonna make the phantom sensation of his hand on JJ’s body go away.) 

(But it’s just-

(Zack deserves to rot in hell, and since JJ can’t do that, this will have to do.)

“Pretty good.” He says, and it’s true. 

(And it’s fucked up, very fucking much, but JJ doesn’t really care.) 

( _ I hope he chokes.)  _

“Let’s go home, then.” John B says, and JJ sees his fingers twitching. 

John B starts walking, and JJ runs to catch up to him, walking side by side with him.

(When their arms brush together, JJ doesn’t pull away, and it feels okay, it feels  _ nice _ , even.) 

( _ Home.) _

***

It’s been a couple of months since it happen, a few weeks since they set his car on fire. 

JJ likes to think he’s doing better.

Most of the time.

(But on nights like this-

(It really feels like he’ll never be okay again.)

He keeps tossing and turning, it’s too fucking hot.

(And his skin is itchy and prickling and JJ can’t sleep.) 

He gets up to get some water, grabbing a glass that looks kind of clean.

(But it’s also really dark, so he might be very wrong.)

(That’d be unfortunate.) 

There’s some ruffling, and he knows John B isn’t sleeping either. 

JJ turns around, and he can see the end of his bed through the door. 

Then John B gets up, coming in the kitchen, rubbing his eyes. 

“Hey.” JJ whispers, which makes John B jump, which makes JJ laugh.

“Shit, you scared the fuck outta me, man.” John B says, and JJ just shrugs, keeps sipping his water. 

John B grabs himself a glass too, and then they’re both standing in the kitchen, in the dark, at three in the fucking morning, staring at each other.

“Can’t sleep?” JJ asks, and John B shakes his head.

“Bad night.” He replies. 

“Same.” JJ says quietly, and John B’s eyes are so intense. 

(He knows John B doesn’t like to sleep alone.)

(He’s got abandonment issues.) 

( _ Maybe- _

It’s probably a bad idea. 

(JJ knows he’ll regret it, when John B will brush against him, and JJ will have to crawl away and go back to the couch like a fucking loser, because he won’t be able to handle it and-

( _ One step at the time.) _

“Let’s go, I’m really fuckin’ tired.” JJ says, and doesn’t wait for John B’s reply, walking into John B’s room.

(JJ hasn’t stepped in here in a while, which feels really fucking weird.) 

(It smells like him.) 

( _ Home.) _

“JJ-

“Shut up.” JJ says, sitting on the bed. 

“Are you sure?” John B asks anyway, because he’s like that.

(Gentle, and caring, and  _ safe.) _

“Yeah.” He says.

(If JJ is being honest, which doesn’t happen all that often, he misses him.)

(Misses all the casual, comforting touches, John B’s hands brushing through his hair and on his face and the way he curls around JJ when they sleep.)

(Safe and warm and real.) 

“Okay.” John B says, so JJ gets under the blankets and curls on the side of the bed, and John B does the same, and then they’re just there, and JJ finds he can’t really sleep.

John B turns on his side, so now they’re staring at each other. 

John B isn’t touching him anywhere, so JJ takes a deep breath and reaches between them to find John B’s hand.

(And his skin isn’t itching, and he can breathe, and his mind isn’t pounding anymore.) 

( _ Thank fucking God.)  _

He interwines their fingers together, and John B squeezes his hand.

(JJ can barely make out the smile on his lips, but he smiles back anyway.) 

“Goodnight, JJ.” John B whispers.

“‘Night, JB.” JJ whispers back, closing his eyes. 

And he sleeps.

***

It’s JJ’s fifteenth birthday today.

It’s not a good day.

Luke is drunk off his ass and high on coke or whatever he’s taking these days.

He throws a bottle at JJ’s head and it crashes against the wall beside him. 

(He can’t move, frozen in place.)   
(Glass flies over his face, and JJ can’t  _ move.) _

(Can’t move, can’t breathe, can’t do anything.)

Luke is on him then.

_ (Fuck, shit, fuck, fuck, no, God- _

“Fuckin’ disgrace, you piece of shit. Not even that whore of your mom wanted you.” Luke growls, hands closing over JJ’s throat.

(JJ doesn’t fight back, he never does.)

(Luke’s words left him empty.)

“That bitch, she preferred to kill herself than staying with you.” 

JJ can’t breathe.

“I’m sorry.” He chokes out, and he is.

( _ I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry- _

“Fuckin’ bastard, ‘s your fault she did it.” Luke says, and darkness is pulling at the edges of his vision. 

( _ I’m sorry, please, please- _

“Please, dad- 

Luke’s grip tightens.

“Little bitch. Always beggin’.” He growls.

(JJ is distantly aware that he’s going to die today.)

( _ What a shitty way to die.) _

“I’m sorry.” He chokes out again, and he knows there are tears rolling down his cheeks, but he doesn’t care.

( _ Men don’t cry, son.) _

Then Luke lets him go, and JJ drops to his knees, gasping and coughing, and Luke grabs his hair and pulls him on his feet again, punches him right in the stomach.

“Bastard.” He spits, and pushes JJ against the wall, and there’s paint falling on his hair. 

(It’s an old house.)

“Dad-

“Shut  _ the fuck  _ up!” Luke kicks him in the stomach again and JJ is on the floor, Luke’s boot right in front of his face. He keeps his mouth shut when Luke kicks him again, and again, and again and again  _ and again- _

It goes on forever, until it stops.

(JJ doesn’t move.)

( _ Can’t _ .)

He hears Luke leave the house, and JJ thinks he should get up, clean up, do  _ something. _

_ (Get up.) _

He can’t move. There’s too much pain, everywhere.

(He knows _ ,  _ it’ll be worse if he stays there.)

(He  _ knows  _ that, he does-

He can’t move. He just can’t.

This time, when darkness pulls at him, JJ goes.

JJ opens his eyes slowly, and the world is way too bright, so he closes them again.

(His head is pounding and he can’t feel any part of his body.)

(Maybe he's finally fucking died and he's in Heaven.)

( _ Unlikely.) _

He tries again then, because he really needs to figure out where he is. 

He almost sobs when he finds himself on John B's bed. 

“JJ? Thank  _ God,  _ Jesus.” John B's voice feels like honey. 

He appears in JJ's field of vision, floppy hair held back by a hat, eyes wide.

“JJ?”    
“Hey.” He says, voice hoarse. “What's with the long face?” 

John B clenches his jaw, eyes hard, and JJ has to look away.

“Don't, JJ. Just- don't.” JJ licks at his lips, exhales.

“Yeah, okay.”   
John B nods, and JJ tries to sit up, has to stop when pain tears through his body.

“Stop, JJ- 

“What's the damage?” JJ asks, interrupting him. He's wearing one of John B's hoodies, worn and warm and soft. It also covers every inch of his chest.

(He's grateful for that.)   
(He's really not ready to see all the bruises Luke left.)

“It's bad, JJ.” John B says quietly, running one hand through his hair. JJ curls on himself, pulling the hood over his head.

(It's been a while since he's seen John B so shaken.)

(Luke must have done a number on him.)

“How did I even get here?” 

“I picked you up.” John B says, and it's obvious, really, but  _ what the fuck. _

“You did  _ what?”  _ He asks, lifting his head, and John B holds his gaze. JJ sits up, ignoring the blinding pain shooting through to his body.

(He's too mad.)

(And so  _ scared.) _

“Yeah, it was your fuckin' birthday, and I was-

“You went to my  _ house?”  _

“You weren’t answering your goddamn phone, what the fuck was I supposed to do-

“Are you  _ fucking  _ stupid, John B-

“-leave you there? I don't fuckin' think so.”   
“Christ, John B, you fuckin’ idiot.” JJ runs one hand through his hair, and sighs. “I  _ told you  _ to not go there.”    
“JJ-

“No, John B.” JJ grits out, glaring and John B glares right back. “You can't just go there-

“But  _ you  _ can, JJ? You're fuckin' unbelivable-

“It's different.” JJ hisses and John B is shaking his head, fists clenched.

“ _ No,  _ it's not. I found you on the goddamn floor- in- in a pool of  _ blood,  _ Jesus Christ-

“Shut the fuck up, John B.” 

“Jesus, JJ.” JJ lets himself fall amongst the pillows again, curling under the blankets.

“You can't go there, John B.” JJ says again.

(He's so fucking tired.)

(And his hands are shaking and he can't make them stop.)

“I wasn't about to leave you there, JJ.” 

( _ You should have.) _

“I'm serious, John B.” 

(JJ doesn't want to say it out loud.)

(He really can't take John B getting hurt because of him.) 

“Well, so am I.” John B says and JJ sighs. “You scared the shit out of me.” 

JJ winches.

“Sorry.” He mumbles, and then John B is rubbing his eyes.

(He looks as tired as JJ feels.)

“For how long was I out?”

“Most of the day.” John B replies, and it finally registers to JJ that it's night.

“What a fuckin' birthday.” JJ says, and John B snorts. 

“Wait.” He says, and then he gets up. 

(JJ has to fight the urge to grab his wrist.)

(It's just- 

(He doesn't want to be alone.)

Then John B comes back, holding a small chocolate cake with fifteen candles. 

(JJ can't breathe.)

(He has to swallow back the tears prickling at his eyes.)

“You're not gonna sing, are you?” John B laughs, and it's good.

(JJ's chest feels tight, but in a good way.) 

“Shut up, JJ. It took me hours to make this fucking' cake.” John B says, slowly setting the cake on the bed between them.

Truth to be told, the cake is really fucking ugly. 

(JJ loves it.)

“Make a wish.” John B says, like he's been doing for the past seven years. 

(JJ doesn't know what to wish for.)

(The choice would be obvious.)

(The only thing JJ can think about is how John B's lips must feel.)

( _ Get a fucking grip.) _

He blows out the candles and John B cheers, whooping in the air and JJ laughs and it pulls at his face, but it's still good.

John B hands him a fork and JJ takes it.

He takes the first bite, and it takes all the willpower JJ has to not spit it out.

He looks up, and John B looks just as disgusted.

He swallows hard and then he laughs and John B is leaning forward, close and happy and bright and JJ has to pull back.

“What the fuck did you put in this, John B?” 

“Christ, that was so fuckin' bad.” John B says, grabbing a bottle of water from the nightstand. He offers it to JJ and he takes a long sip, trying to wash the horrible taste of the cake from his mouth.

“That's why we always  _ buy  _ them.” JJ says as John B moves the cake to the nightstand.

“ _ Sorry  _ I wanted it to make it special,  _ God _ .” 

(It warms JJ's chest.)

“This is also why you're not allowed in the kitchen.”   
“It's literally my house, how can I not be allowed in the kitchen?” 

“Because of  _ that.”  _ John B snorts, and JJ scoots on the side to make space for him and then they're both laying down. John B opens an arm and JJ curls under it, against John B's side, head on his chest.

John B starts running his fingers through JJ's hair.

( _ Safe.) _

“Sleep.” John B says, quietly, reaching out to turn off the light, plunging them in darkness. 

“Thank you, John B.” JJ whispers against his chest, and John B nods, his hand stilling in JJ's hair for a second.

( _ For the cake, for coming to get me, for patching me up, for staying.) _

“You know I'll always come.” John B says.

(It makes JJ's chest feel tight and heavy.) 

(JJ has never been good at this.) 

He can't speak, so instead he leans closer into John B's side, and lets John B brush his fingers over the back of his neck, and down his spine and back through his hair.

He falls asleep to John B's gentle fingers and warm skin and steady heart.

***

John B is acting weird. 

(He's not sleeping, but that's just regular John B.)

But he's also stressed, and jumpy, and restless.

( _ How the turntables.)  _

Anyway, JJ's starting to worry.

(It's a pattern JJ knows like the back of his hand.)

(Which is definitely cause of concern.)

(John B is the stable one between the two of them, even with all his mommy issues and fear of being alone.)

Case in point: JJ has been talking for a good half an hour about the most random topics he can come up with and he's pretty sure John B hasn't heard a single word.

“John B, hey.” JJ snaps his fingers in front of John B's face, and he seems to zone back in. “Yo, you okay?”

“What? Yeah.” 

(JJ doesn't believe it for a second.)

“Yeah, and I'm the Queen of England.” John B glares at him, leaning back in the sand. 

They're sitting on the beach, the sea coming up to their feet. 

(The sun is setting, painting the sky in pinks and reds.)

(It washes John B in gold.)

(It brings out his freckles.) 

“Fuck off, JJ. I just zoned out for a second.”   
“Yeah, try an hour.” John B flips him off and JJ blows him a kiss. John B has his hat pulled over his eyes, in the universal symbol that means  _ do not disturb. _

(JJ would  _ love  _ to do so, drop the argument before it even starts.)

(He knows that he can't.)

(He's really out of his depth here, how does one even start this conversation?)

_ (Hey, I've caught some worrying signals, and I was wondering, are you depressed?) _

“John B, are you, like, okay?” 

(JJ winches at his own words.)

( _ Who the fuck asks that, how are you so fucking useless- _

“What?” John B pulls up his hat, and JJ forces himself to hold his gaze.

He lights himself a cigarette, and offers one to John B. He takes it.

“I don't know, you've been kinda off and- I don’t know-

“It’s fine, JJ.” JJ exhales deeply, watching the smoke make pretty shape in the air above them.

“Come on, spill.” He says, and John B glances at him, before looking away again.

“He’s been gone for three weeks.” John B says, and JJ looks for a precedent.

(Big John always disappears for days, but JJ is pretty sure he’s never been gone for longer than two weeks.)

( _ Tops.) _

“It’s probably nothing, John B. You know how he is, he’ll come back.” 

(He always does.)

(He  _ has  _ to.) 

John B doesn’t look too convinced, but he nods away, and JJ reaches between them to take John B’s hand. John B gives him a small smile, squeezing, and JJ squeezes back. 

“You’re right, yeah. He’ll be back.” He says, and JJ nods.

“Maybe he found the Royal Merchant.” JJ says and John B snorts. 

“Yeah, maybe.” He whispers, eyes on the horizon and JJ can’t tear his eyes away from him. 

( _ Stop, this is not the time, JJ.) _

“Let’s go home, I’m fuckin’ starving.” JJ says, getting up and pulling John B with him. He throws one arm around John B’s shoulder.

(John B leans into him.)

(He thinks his heart is about to explode.)

“You’re always starving, JJ.”   
“What can I say, I’m a growing boy.”   
“Fuck off, JJ.” John B says, and he’s smiling.

_ (Pretty.) _

“Shut up, you love me.” JJ says and John B snorts, pushing him away and JJ laughs and it’s good.

( _ God, please, let him be okay.) _

***

Today is a good day. 

JJ is on the couch, and John B is making pasta for dinner, and it all feels very domestic.

( _ Warm, safe, home.) _

“Want a beer?” John B asks, and JJ nods.

“Yeah.” John B hands him one, sitting down beside him.

He wraps an arm around JJ’s shoulders, and JJ leans into his side.

(It’s a thing John B has been doing a lot since last week.)

(Always reaching out for JJ, always seeking some form of contact.)

(It drives JJ mad.)

(It’s not that it doesn't feel good, it's the exact opposite.)

( _ Get a grip, JJ, he doesn't like you like that.)  _

JJ grabs John B’s computer and opens Netflix, looking for something to watch.

They settle on Brooklyn-Nine-Nine and at some point John B gets up to grab the pasta and brings back a plate for JJ too, and it’s good, it feels right.

“Pope and Kie are coming by in a bit.” John B says later, while they're washing the dishes. 

(John B washes and JJ dries.) 

(Like always.)   
“Cool, you ready to lose at poker?” John B snorts. 

“You fuckin' wish.” He says, nudging JJ's shoulders. JJ slaps him with the towel, and John B splashes him with some water in retaliation, making JJ run away with a laugh. 

John B runs after him with a glass full of water.

(John B's eyes are so bright.) 

“You wouldn't.” JJ says.

“Want to test out that theory?” John B is smirking as he stares JJ down, a few feet away.

“Don't.” JJ says, hands up in front of him. 

“Or?”

“It will ruin our friendship forever.” John B's grin grows bigger as he steps forwards. 

“I’m willing to take my chances.” John B replies and JJ steps back, then turns and makes a run for the door.

He's got his hands on the knob when water washes all over his hair, down his shirt and face.

“ _ Fuck,  _ John B!” His voice comes out a lot more squeaky than it should, and behind him John B laughs, loud and happy and unguarded.

(JJ can almost forgive him.)

( _ Almost.) _

“You are so gonna pay for this.” 

“Yeah? What are you gonna do about it?” JJ runs one hand through his now wet hair, pushing them away from his face.

He walks back to the kitchen, grabbing a beer can from the fridge. He shakes it for a second, and then turns to John B with a big grin.

“Hope you're fuckin' thirsty, bitch.” He says and opens the can, which explodes directly in John B's surprised face.

When the initial jet has reduced, JJ drinks up the remaining beer, watching John B glare at him.

(It's not very effective when he's dripping beer from his hair.)

(It makes JJ laugh.)

“I hate you.” John B says, and JJ blows him a kiss. 

“You love me.” John B smiles then, and steps closer, arms open.

“You're right, I love you so much, let me hug you.” He says, and JJ steps back.

“No- John B, don't- 

JJ's back hits the kitchen counter, and he curses loudly as John B wraps him in a bone-crushing hug, sticky with beer. 

“Gross.” JJ says, going slack in John B's arms. John B's laugh vibrates through his chest, and JJ feels it deep inside. “You're so annoying.”

“You started it.” John B says.

(And JJ feels his hot breath on his neck.)

( _ Nope, stop, get a grip- _   
“ _ You  _ did, liar!” He throws back, and John B hugs him tighter for a second before letting go.

( _ Stay, stay, stay- _

(John B's fingers linger on his shoulders.)

John B smiles at him, and JJ rolls his eyes.

“I'm gonna shower before Kie and Pope get here.” John B says,  _ still  _ dripping beer.

“Yeah, hurry up, I gotta shower too after that.”

“You loved it.”

( _ Yeah.) _

“Hated every second of it.” John B snorts, and his hand slides down JJ's entire arm, resting on his wrist for a second too long before finally pulling back.

(It raises goosebumps on his skin.)

(JJ's skin feels electric.) 

JJ stares at him unable to process it.

( _ That  _ did not feel casual.)

(Like,  _ at all. _ )

John B doesn't look at him though, clearing his throat and then walking away, closing the bathroom door behind himself, and leaving JJ in the middle of the kitchen to wonder what the fuck just happened. 

( _ What the fuck.)  _

Kie arrives first tonight, while John B is still showering.

(He always takes for-fucking-ever.)

(Must be his long-ass hair.)

JJ is sitting on the couch when Kie comes it.

“Yo, Kie, what's up?” Kie wrinkles her nose at him.

“Why do you smell like beer, JJ?” 

“John B hugged me.”

“Is that supposed to explain anything?”

“Yes.” He says, and Kie rolls her eyes so far back she must see her brain. “Sorry you're too stupid to understand.”

“At least I don't smell like a distillery.”

“I know you like it.” Kie makes a puking sound, sitting on one of the chair, far away from JJ. 

(JJ can't blame her.)

(He really does smell like shit.)

“Where's John B?”

“Showering.” JJ answers, settling back in the couch.

(He's trying to not think about John B at the moment.)

(About that weird moment a few minutes ago.)

(How good it felt.)

(JJ's skin is tingling pleasantly.)

“You okay?” Kiara asks, and JJ focuses back on her.

“Yeah.” He replies, lips curling into a smirk. 

(Kie sees right through it.)

(Sometimes, being so close with his friends is a real pain in the ass.)

“Something happened?” She asks, and she sounds worried now.

JJ shakes his head, lighting a cigarette.

“Not really.” He replies.

(It's true enough that it doesn't feel like a lie.)

“You don't look so sure.”

“What's with the third grade?”

“Just askin', chill.” She replies, hands raised in front of her. She leans back in the chair, and stares at him.

(JJ doesn't like the way she's looking at him.) 

(Like she knows exactly what happened and is just waiting for JJ to confirm it.) 

(Truth to be told, JJ doesn't  _ know  _ what happened.)

(Just that he wants it to happen again.)

(Maybe, most likely, he's reading too much into it.)

(John B touches him all the time, afterall.) 

(It just-

(It felt  _ different _ .) 

John B comes out of the bathroom in that second, shirtless and in a pair of grey sweats. 

He doesn’t look at JJ. 

(It shouldn’t sting like this.) 

“Be right back.” JJ gets up, and Kie catches his eyes for a second but he looks away, disappearing inside the bathroom. 

(It smells of John B’s cedar shampoo.) 

( _ You stop right there.)  _

He showers off quickly, not wanting to spend more time than necessary in the shower. 

(The  _ whole  _ thing smells like stupid John B.) 

He throws on a pair of cargo shorts and a tank top and goes back in the kitchen, hair still dripping in front of his eyes.

Pope has arrived meanwhile, and JJ pulls him in a quick one-armed hug as greeting.

“Ready to play?” John B asks, cards already in his hands. 

“Ready to lose?” JJ throws back, and John B flips him off.

(He’s not looking at JJ.)

_ (Why  _ isn’t John B looking at him?)

(JJ doesn’t know what went wrong, what he did to mess up this time.) 

JJ sits between Pope and John B, and Kie deals the card, but JJ isn’t focused. 

(He keeps glancing at John B.) 

A while later, he’s rolling a blunt and he’s two beers in and the John B has moved his chair a bit closer. 

(JJ is getting a bit of mixed signals.) 

(Which is driving him crazy.) 

JJ lights up, takes a few drags and looks to John B, holding out the blunt for him to take. 

“No, thanks.” John B says. 

(Eyes trained on the cards.)

JJ retracts his hand.

( _ John B, I swear to God- _

(He didn’t mean to fuck up this bad-

“Gonna get some hair.” He says, getting up, because suddenly the room feels too stuffy. 

He ignores the puzzled looks his friends send in his direction, and walks outside, on the porch. He sits on the grass, looking up at the sky and taking another long drag from the blunt.

(He can hear John B’s voice naming all the constellations above him.)

(JJ just wishes he would shut up.) 

He has smoked through the blunt and a couple of cigarette when Kie comes to sit beside him. 

“You good?” She asks.

(JJ wishes she would stop asking.)

He nods instead, and leaves it at that. Kie hums beside him, laying down. 

“John B has been acting weird tonight, or is it just me?” She keeps talking and JJ glares at her. 

“Seems fine to me.” JJ replies and it  _ is  _ a lie. 

(And JJ knows it’s his fault.) 

“Does it have anything to do with whatever was going on before I got here earlier?” 

“There was nothing going on, Kie.”

“Are you two having a fight or something?” She asks and JJ scoffs.

“No fight, John B is just a weirdo, you know how he is.” 

Kie is quiet for a minute, and JJ hopes that maybe she’s done.

(JJ is not stupid, he knows what she’s trying to do.) 

(JJ isn’t sure he’s ready to say it.) 

(Can barely admit it to himself.)    
“Maybe you should talk to him.” Kie says and JJ wants to rip his own hair out. 

(Why does it all have to be so difficult?)

(Why couldn’t he crush on literally anyone else?) 

“Why me?” He asks, and he already knows.

“You know how to get to him.” She replies and JJ hates her a little.

(Kie has always been good at reading him.) 

He doesn’t reply and then she gets up, so JJ figures it’s time to get back in. 

Then she hugs him.

(It’s unexpected and it makes him flinch a little.)

( _ Just Kie, just Kie- _

He forces himself to hug her back, wrapping his arms around her tiny body. 

She pulls back soon after and JJ forces a smirk.

“Aw Kie, I didn’t know you were in love with me.” She rolls her eyes. 

“You know, your life would be a lot easier if you just told him.” She says, and it makes JJ’s blood freeze.

“I- I don’t-

“Save it, JJ. It’s okay-

“I don’t know what the fuck you’re talking about.” He growls and Kie steps back, but holds his gaze. 

(How come  _ everyone  _ knows?)

(Is JJ really that transparent?) 

( _ God, fucking fuck- _

“JJ, it’s okay. It’s a good thing, John B-

“John B  _ what?”  _ JJ says and Kie looks taken aback for a second. 

(JJ wants to run, away from her eyes and from John B’s voice coming from inside.) 

“Just talk to him.” 

“Yeah, right, and tell him what?” JJ hears himself laugh, a distant sound. 

(His heart is beating so fucking fast.)   
(He feels sick.) 

“What am I gonna tell him, mh? Yo, John B, I have a huge gay crush on you, wanna fuck? So he never talks to me ever again? Yeah, great fucking plan, Kie,  _ how  _ did I not think about it before?”

Kie just stares at him, a little smile playing on her lips and JJ knows he fucked up. 

He turns on his heels and starts walking. 

(It’s what he does, JJ is a fucking champion at running away from his problems.)

“JJ!” She runs to catch up with him and JJ can’t look at her.

(He feels tears burning in his eyes, and it’s really fucking pathetic.) 

( _ God.) _

“JJ,  _ wait.”  _

“Leave me alone, Kie.” She scoffs and then she stops in front of JJ which also forces him to stop so he doesn't crash against her. “ _ What?”  _

“Hey, look, I know it’s scary but-

“Oh my God, Kie, shut the fuck up, I’m not having this conversation.” JJ says, and he can't look at her. 

Kie sighs, running one hand through her hair.

“Why are boys so emotionally stunted?” She whispers to herself, and JJ scoffs.

“Fuck off, Kie, I’m not in the mood.” He says, and Kie nods. 

“Fine, just- think about it, okay? It doesn’t have to be like this.” She says, and JJ isn’t sure of what it’s supposed to mean.

(Kie’s eyes are warm and gentle.) 

(It would have been much easier if JJ got a crush on her instead of John B.)

( _ Fucking John B, of all people.) _

“Yeah.” He says, a beat too late, but Kie doesn’t seem to care. 

“Let’s go back, come on.”

(JJ doesn’t really want to.) 

(He’s not sure he can look at John B right now.)

“I think I’ll just go.” 

“What? Where?” 

“Oh you know, gotta help out my old man fix some stuff, and-

“You’re not going home, JJ.” Kie speaks with certainty in her voice that JJ wonders how he could even think of that. 

“Kie-

“Don’t fuckin’ try to lie, JJ. I’m not an idiot.” She says, and her eyes are searching his face.

(And JJ knows what she’s seeing.)

(A black eye, bruised cheek and split lip.) 

(It makes JJ want to pull down his hat and hide.)

“I wasn’t going to.” He says, and that’s another lie. 

“Yeah, like I believe that. Come on, let’s just go back.” She says, and she takes his hand and JJ lets her.

(Kie’s hand is smaller than John B’s, softer.) 

He lets Kie guide him back to the Chateau, and when they enter John B’s eyes instantly fall on him.

( _ Oh, so  _ now  _ you look at me.)  _

JJ glances back at him. 

“Where did you two go?” John B asks, eyes bouncing between JJ and Kie.

“You know I don’t kiss and tell, bro.” JJ says, which earns him a punch from Kie.

“JJ!” She glares at him, and JJ smirks at her. 

(It doesn’t feel right.) 

(JJ can feel John B’s eyes burn on him.)   
(He wants to yell at him.)

“We were just chilling outside.” Kie says, and JJ nods, lighting a cigarette. 

“Yeah, John B, relax.”   
“I am relaxed.” John B says, and JJ closes his eyes, blowing out the smoke.

(It sure doesn’t fucking look like it, he wants to say.)

(JJ doesn’t even know what the fuck it’s going on.) 

“Well, we should probably go.” Kie says, looking pointedly at Pope, who gets up.

“Yeah, my dad wants me to help out tomorrow.”   
“Need an extra hand?” JJ asks. 

“Sure, come by tomorrow morning?” Pope asks and JJ nods at him.   
“Thanks, bro.”   
(JJ pats himself on the shoulder, he gets to make some money and get away from the Chateau  _ and  _ his house for the whole day.)

(It’s not that he wants to leave the Chateau.)   
(It’s that John B is acting weird and JJ doesn’t know what to do.) 

They all hug each other goodbye, and then JJ is standing in the middle of the room. John B is busying himself with cleaning up the kitchen, and JJ thinks he should help, but instead he goes to sit down on the couch.

“Do it tomorrow, JB, I want to sleep.” He says, and John B glances at him.

“Yeah, okay.” He says, leaving the dirty plates in the sink. John B then turns and properly looks at him.

JJ holds his gaze.

(He wants to ask him what happened, what did he do, how can he fix it.)

(He stays quiet, instead.) 

“Come to bed?” John B asks, and it’s not what JJ was expecting. 

( _ What the fuck, John B.) _

(JJ doesn’t understand.)

(But he’s also weak.)

“Yeah.” He says, and when they get under the blankets of John B’s bed, he lets John B pull him close.

JJ curls against him, resting his head on John B’s chest, and John B’s hand is brushing through his hair. 

(Comforting and relaxing.)   
(JJ knows they should probably talk about it, whatever  _ it  _ even is, but Kie is right and they’re both emotionally stunted, so he stays quiet.) 

“This okay?” John B whispers in the darkness. JJ nods.

( _ Perfect.) _

“Acceptable.” He replies, and John B snorts.

(JJ can feel his hot breath on his skin.)

(He’s trying really hard about how easy it would be to just tilt his head up and press their lips together.)

( _ Not the fucking time.)  _

“‘Night.” JJ says, and John B hums something, and JJ feels him fall asleep soon after that. 

JJ closes his eyes and snuggles closer.

(John B’s fingers tighten slightly on him.)

( _ Safe.) _

( _ It’s okay, it’s fine, everything is fine- _

JJ doesn’t sleep that night.

  
  
  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Comments and kudos are always appreciated!  
> Warnings:  
> -Child abuse  
> -Mention of drugs  
> -Rape/Non-con elements (doesn't go too far, but it's definitely there)  
> -Drinking  
> -Lots of weed  
> -Panic attacks  
> -JJ has shit self-esteem  
> I think that's all?? let me know if i forgot something


	3. ilomilo

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Welcome to the last chapter of this shitshow, I hope y'all ready.   
> This has been fun, it took me literally an eternity to write, and I don't know if I'll continue this, we shall see how this summer feels ;)  
> SO yeah, thank you all for reading and sticking around with this, it's been a good time!  
> Comments and kudos are always appreciated!  
> Read the warnings at the ending for specific tags, and be safe!
> 
> Song: ilomilo by Billie Eilish

_ [Told you not to worry _

_ But maybe that's a lie _

_ Honey, what's your hurry? _

_ Won't you stay inside? _

_ Remember not to get too close to stars _

_ They're never gonna give you love like ours _

_ Said I couldn't love someone _

_ 'Cause I might break _ _ ] _

JJ spends the day before his sixteenth birthday on the beach with his friends. 

It’s a good day, filled with laughters and surfing competition and disgusting warm beer and music. 

(Days like this are JJ’s favorite.)   
(They live in a bubble, and nothing outside of them matters.)

They're currently sitting around a bonfire, roasting some s'mores and sharing a blunt (or three), Kie’s voice is filling the air as she talks about whatever Kook party her parents are making her go to. 

(She's also making impressions of Topper and Rafe, which is an endless source of fun.)

Beside him, John B is shaking as he laughs, and Pope has actual tears in his eyes, and JJ’s face hurts with how much he’s smiling.

(It feels so fucking good.)

(John B has had an arm around JJ’s shoulders for the past hour, which feels even better.)

( _ Warm, and safe, and happy.)  _

Then at some point Kie stops talking, sharing a knowing look with John B and Pope.

(JJ feels left out.)

He eyes her, then glances at John B, and John B smiles back at him.

“What?” JJ asks, still trying to catch his breath. Kie is smiling, big and bright at him. “Do I have something on my face? Why are you staring at me like that?” 

John B snorts, and his fingers tighten for a second on JJ’s back, before he pulls away. 

“Happy birthday, JJ.” Kie says, much quieter than before, and JJ turns around to find John B holding a cake with two candles (a One and a Six) on top of it. 

“Kie made it this time.” John B says, and he’s grinning and JJ might be tearing up a little.

(He’s emotional, okay?) 

( _ Men don't cry, son.) _

_ (Fuck off, dad.)  _

He can't really speak, his voice seems to have left, so he just closes his eyes, makes a wish, and blows the candle. His friends cheer and JJ laughs, and John B hands Kie the cake so he can pull him into a hug. 

(JJ can't help the happy sighs leaving his lips, chest warm and tight.)

(John B smells of salt and smoke.)

( _ Home.)  _

He hugs Kie and Pope too, and Kie kisses his cheek and it's so  _ good _ . 

Pope hands out some forks and they dive in.

“Christ, this is so much better than last year.” JJ says around a mouthful of food. 

“Fuck off, JJ, I tried, okay?” John B pushes him but there's no force in it, and then John B is laughing and JJ feels warm all over. 

They all end up spending the night at the Chateau. 

Kie and Pope are sharing the pull-out couch, and JJ ends up in John B’s bed like always.

(It’s a familiar routine, comfortable and easy.) 

They already turned off the light, and JJ is about to fall asleep when he feels John B shifts between them.

“JJ?” JJ doesn't have the energy to open his eyes, but he grunts out a groan to signal that he's listening. “Are you awake?”

“I am  _ now.”  _ JJ says, and he hears John B chuckle.

“Sorry.” 

“What's up?” He mumbles against the pillow.

“Can't sleep.” John B says, and JJ sighs, turning on his side.

(He can't really see him in the darkness, but he knows John B's face better than his own.)

(Knows where the freckles are, the sharp line of his jaw, the soft curve of his lips.)

(Knows the look he must have in his eyes, the one he always has on nights like this.)

(Tired and a bit empty.)

(It's not a look JJ likes.)

He opens an arm and John B crawls under it, pressing his back against JJ's chest.

He feels John B sigh, going slack in his arms. 

JJ smiles in John B's hair, curling around him.

(JJ can smell his fancy shampoo, of cedar and some other fruity bullshit like that, and of salt and sun and smoke.)

“Thanks.” John B whispers and JJ wants to thank him back, but he's too sleepy to speak.

(He feels boneless and John B is warm in his arms.) 

He hears John B say something like ' _ goodnight, JJ _ ' and he'd like to say it back, but he's already sleep.

( _ Warm and safe and happy and home.) _

***

(Today has been a shit day.) 

(Today, it’s been three months since Big John disappeared.) 

(And John B is in denial.)

(And he’s drunk.)

JJ wants to punch him.

(It doesn’t happen often that he gets so mad at John B that he wants to deck him.)

(But right now- 

“What the fuck was that, John B?” He growls and John B glares right back at him.

(Right now, JJ is so fucking scared.) 

“Drop it, JJ.”   
“No, I’m not gonna fuckin’ drop it. What were you gonna do, uh? Fight the entire Kook academy and land your stupid ass in jail?”   
“Oh my God, fuck off JJ, like you’re one to talk.” John B steps closer, fists clenched and JJ forces himself to stay where he is.

( _ Fuck, fuck, fuck, shit- _

“What’s that supposed to mean?” He asks, even though he already knows the answer.

“You pull shit like this all the fuckin’ time, and I’m always the one that has to clean up your mess-   
“Clean up  _ my  _ mess? That’s rich, John B, sorry, remind me which one of us thought that going two against seven was a good idea?” 

“Shut the fuck up, JJ, as if this isn’t exactly what you did after  _ Zack _ .” John B says, voice cold, and  _ wow. _

JJ slaps his hand away and pushes him up against the wall.

“The fuck did you just say?” 

(His hands are shaking.)

(He can’t breathe.)

( _ God, why, no, no, fuck- _

“You heard me.” John B says, and JJ is definitely going to punch him.

“What the fuck, man.” 

(He’s trying to keep it together, he’s willing to ignore that, because it’s a bad day, but  _ Jesus- _

“You have no fuckin’ ground to stand on, JJ, so why don’t you fuck off and leave me the fuck alone?” John B closes one hand around his wrist, and JJ pulls away.

(It shouldn’t hurt as much as it does.) 

_ (Don’t, please, please- _

(John B’s eyes are burning.)

(It takes an effort to not look away.) 

“You need to get a fuckin’ grip, John B. He’s been gone for three-

John B pushes him back, grabbing the front of JJ’s shirt in his fist, his mouth pressed into a hard line. He’s so much closer now. 

( _ Run, run, run- _

“And you need to shut the  _ fuck up _ , JJ, no one even wants you here.” John B’s eyes are dark. “Just because your dad hits you, it doesn’t mean you get to talk shit about mine.” 

(It’s too much.) 

JJ finds that he has no voice left.

(And even if he had any, he wouldn’t know what to say.) 

(All that John B said is true.) 

“Fuck you, John B.” He spits and John B’s eyes shine with something that JJ can’t quite place, but he doesn’t give himself time to figure it out, because then he’s turning on his heels and walking out of the Chateau, and John B doesn’t try to stop him, so JJ just slams the door shut after himself. 

JJ walks for an eternity, and he ends up in a shitty grocery store on the edge of town.

He knows the guy that works here, and JJ buys a bottle of vodka without the guy asking for his ID.

(Everybody knows he buys bottles for his dad.) 

Then JJ goes all the way back to the beach.

(Which is kind of pathetic.)

(But he doesn’t really have anywhere else to go, so.) 

It’s almost sunrise by now, and he doesn’t feel any calmer than he did a few hours ago, when he left the Chateau. 

He sits down on the sand, the sea coming up to his feet. He pulls his knees up to his chest, and tries to hold back the tears prickling at his eyes.

So who cares if John B doesn't want him around anymore? 

So who cares if JJ has only been able to think about Zack and his hands roaming JJ’s body for the past four hours?

So who cares if his dad hits him?   
So who cares if John B doesn’t give a shit about him?

( _ JJ _ , that’s who.)

( _ Fucking idiot.)  _

Deep down, JJ has always known this moment would come. 

(Someone like JJ doesn’t get to have nice things.) 

(It still hurts.) 

JJ lights a cigarette with shaky hands and takes a long drag.

(All of his weed is at the Chateau, like most of his things.)

(Guess that’s all lost forever, because there’s no way he’ll step foot in that place again.) 

(It leaves him empty.)

( _ No one wants you here.) _

JJ runs one hand over his face, and lays down, blowing out the smoke.

(He’s exhausted.) 

_ (No one wants you here.)  _

He opens the bottle of vodka, and takes a long sip. Then another. Another cigarette, another drink.

He gets up, swaying a little on his feet, walks away from the beach (too exposed) and goes in the vague direction of where his house is.

(No one will notice another passed out guy there.) 

( _ You’re just like your dad.) _

JJ drinks, and drinks, and drinks, and smokes and drinks some more.

( _ No one wants you here.)  _

(JJ has  _ always  _ knows that.) 

(He just didn’t want to believe it.) 

(It hurts to think that he just lost the most important thing in his life.) 

( _ Always fuck everything up.) _

He sits under a tree, running one hand through his sweaty hair.

(His skin is prickling, tight and uncomfortable and burning.) 

( _ No one wants you here.) _

“Jesus.” He whispers, and the world is spinning around him. 

(JJ never wanted any of this to happen.)

He passes out halfway through the bottle. 

“JJ, wake up.” 

(JJ really doesn’t want to.) 

He groans a response, shooing the voice away.

(He’s not in the mood.) 

(He’s still drunk after last night.)

(Has been drunk for two days straight now.) 

“JJ, come on, it’s me.”

“Yeah, I know.” JJ mumbles, eyes still closed. He’s laying on the ground, and there’s dirt on his face.

(He doesn’t want to see him just yet.)

(He doesn’t know what John B is doing here, but JJ doesn’t have enough will to live to care.) 

“Come on, JJ, let’s go home. You need to eat something.” John B says, and JJ really fucking hates him.

(JJ hasn’t eaten anything since he stormed out of the Chateau, two days ago.) 

JJ sits up then, running one hand through his hair. 

(Last night he passed out on the ground behind some shitty house far back in the cut, and that’s where he is right now.) 

He looks up to meet John B’s eyes.

(Red and rimmed and dark.)

(He’s been crying and not sleeping.)

“Fuck off, John B.” JJ says, looking away. 

“JJ-

“I said,  _ fuck off.”  _ JJ glares at him, and then he stands up, leaning heavily against a tree when his legs threaten to give out under him.

( _ Get up.) _

(He’s got a killer headache.) 

He starts walking, and he doesn’t know where he’s going, but it doesn’t matter.

(He can’t stand to look at John B.) 

( _ No one wants you here.) _

“JJ, where the fuck are you even going?” John B catches up to him.

“Go away.”    
“JJ, come on, you look like shit-

“Wow, thank you very much.” JJ scoffs and feels John B winch beside him.

“I just meant-

“Yeah, I know what you meant.” 

He goes back to walking then, and it hurts. 

(It always hurts to walk away from him.)

( _ Just one last time.)  _

“I’m sorry!” JJ whips around to look at him, and John B’s eyes are glassy. “I’m sorry.” He says again, quietly. 

JJ can’t speak. 

“Let’s just go home, okay? We can talk there.” 

“I thought you didn’t want me there.” JJ says, voice cold, and it’s like ripping out his own heart. 

John B flinches.

_ (Good.) _

“I’m sorry, I didn’t mean it.” John B says, looking down. 

(JJ can see he’s trying to hold back the tears filling his eyes.) 

(JJ is doing the same.) 

“JJ- 

(He shouldn’t do it. He really shouldn’t.) 

“I’m sorry too.” JJ says. John B nods. 

JJ starts walking then, and John B follows and they make their way back to the Chateau. 

JJ hesitates on the door.

(He can’t help it, it’s stronger than him, John B’s voice is screaming in his head.)

( _ No one wants you here, no one wants you here, no one wants you- _

“Are you gonna stare at the door or are you gonna get in?”John B asks, and it’s meant to be teasing, but it feels too forced.

(JJ wants to leave.) 

He’s about to say just as much, when John B beats him to it.

“Go inside, JJ.” 

JJ does.

He sits down at the table and takes a look around.

(It seems that John B has also been getting smashed by himself in JJ’s absence, judging by the amount of empty bottles laying around.) 

John B is frying some eggs and some bacon, and it’s almost like it should be.

(Except that they haven’t said a word to each other just yet, and JJ is a ball of nervous energy.)

(He shouldn’t be here.) 

(John B doesn’t really want him here.) 

He’s about to stand up, when John B puts the plate in front of him, and  _ Jesus,  _ JJ is fucking  _ starving _ . 

He digs in, cleaning the plate in a few minutes.

(He doesn’t look at John B, and John B doesn’t look at him.)

JJ puts down the fork, leaning back in the chair.

“Thanks.” He says, and John B nods.

“Of course.” 

(Now he should really leave.)

(This whole situation feels wrong, and JJ is too tired to fight him again.) 

He stands up. 

(Maybe he should get his weed.)

(His weed that’s in John B’s room.)

( _ Yeah, no.) _

“Guess, I’m gonna go.” He says, and he’s already walking to the door, when John B grabs his wrist.

John B pulls him in then, and JJ follows, letting John B wrap his arms around him.

( _ Warm, safe, home.) _

(JJ hates him, hates him so fucking much-

“I’m so sorry, JJ, I shouldn’t have said any of that, shit-

John B’s voice breaks and JJ can’t breathe. 

“John B-

“When you left- I just- fuck- I’m sorry-

“I know.” JJ says.

(And he’s surprised to find that it’s true.) 

“It’s okay, John B, it’s fine. I shouldn’t have pushed, and this is your house, I shouldn’t be here all the fuckin’ time, and I shouldn’t have said that your dad- 

“JJ, stop, Jesus, stop.” John B pulls back then, and he lifts one hand to cup JJ’s cheek. 

(John B’s eyes are watery and so soft.) 

“I want you here, I do, I really fuckin’ do, and I’m sorry I dragged Zack and your dad into this, I’m really sorry-

“Stop talking about him, Jesus, John B-

“Sorry, sorry, I’m sorry-

“Yeah, I know. It’s fine.” 

(It’s not, not really, but John B’s hand is warm on his cheek, and his eyes are shining.) 

“Yeah, okay, yeah.” John B trips over his own words and JJ missed him so fucking much. 

( _ I’m sorry.) _

(They should talk about it some more, JJ knows they should.)

(They’re both masters at ignoring their feelings.) 

“Can I take a shower?” JJ asks and John B nods. 

“Yeah, go ahead.” John B answers, and when he pulls back his hand lingers on JJ’s face just one second too long. 

(It sends chills down JJ’s spine.)

JJ showers quickly, washing away the dirt stuck in his hair, and John B lets his borrow a clean shirt and a pair of sweats. 

(John B’s clothes are soft, and they smell like him, and JJ  _ hates  _ that it makes him feel like this.)

(John B’s eyes are too soft when they look at JJ.) 

“Movie?” John B asks, and JJ nods, so they settle on the bed, side by side, the computer in John B’s lap. 

(John B doesn't touch him.) 

John B puts a random movie on, and JJ couldn't pay attention to it to save his life. 

They're about halfway through the movie, when John B turns to him. 

“JJ-

“Don't, John B, just- don't.” 

(John B's eyes are warm and far too soft.) 

“I didn't mean it. Any of it.” 

(JJ's hands are shaking.)

“I know.” 

“Are we okay?”

(Truth is, JJ would forgive him anything.) 

_ (If that's not fucked up.)  _

“Yeah.” 

“Are you okay?”

(Stupid John B.)

“Are you?” 

“I am now.” 

(JJ can't breathe.)

(Who even says shit like this?) 

“Sap.” 

“You like it.” John B is smiling, and JJ feels his own lips curve into a smirk. 

“As much as I like to have lemon juice sprayed directly into my eyes.” John B huffs a laugh, knocking their shoulders together, and then he slides closer, just enough that they're pressed together now. 

(It feels so fucking good.) 

Then John B wraps an arm around JJ's shoulders, and JJ leans into him, and it's as it should be. 

( _ Warm, and safe, and home.) _

JJ doesn't know how the movie ends because he falls asleep with John B's fingers brushing through his hair.

*******

Keg parties are fun, they’re JJ’s natural habit.

(There’s weed and beer and loud music and his friends.)

(Keg parties are easy and familiar.)

(He can get lost in the crowd and pretend all is good for one night.)

JJ is currently sitting beside John B, buzzing and shaking with laughter. 

(It’s good.) 

Pope is on JJ’s other side, eyes bouncing between JJ and John B.

JJ is rolling a blunt when Pope snaps his fingers to get John B’s attention.

“Yo, JB, you’ve got an admirer.” Pope says and JJ looks up, following Pope’s eyes to a pretty blonde, who is definitely looking at John B, talking with her friend.

(It takes an effort to ignore the pang of jealousy in his chest.)

(JJ’s a master at ignoring his emotions.)

JJ finishes rolling the blunt and John B hands him a lighter.

“You gonna go there?” He asks and John B shrugs. When JJ looks up, he finds John B’s eyes already on him.

( _ Jesus Christ, JJ, stop.) _

(His chest feels a bit tight.)

He hands John B the blunt and he takes it, taking a long drag.

JJ looks back at the girl.

(She’s pretty, miles of legs and long hair falling in waves on her shoulders.)

(She’s exactly John B’s type.)

(He really has no right to be jealous, John B is his  _ best friend _ , Jesus Christ.)

“No.” John B says beside him.

(JJ feels a bit guilty at how  _ relieved  _ that made him.)

“Why not?” Pope asks, brows raised, and that’s a good question.

JJ turns to look at John B, and he hands back the blunt.

(God knows JJ could use something to unwind.)

“Not in the mood.” John B says easily, and then he stands up. “Drinks?”

“Bring me a beer.” JJ says, leaning back in the sand. 

“You got it. Pope?”   
“Same.” John B gives them a thumbs up and then he’s gone, walking away.   
“Want some, Pope?” JJ asks, holding the burning blunt between his fingers. Pope scoffs.

“You know I don’t.”

“Jus’ tryin’ to be nice.” JJ says, smirking. “One day you’ll give in to temptation.”

“Unlikely, I’m a merit scholar.”

“Which is exactly why you  _ should  _ be smoking.” JJ says, and Pope punches him lightly in the arm, but he’s smiling. JJ takes another long drag, and he’s about to say something else when Pope beats him to it.

“JJ, do you have a crush on someone?” 

(JJ chokes a little on the smoke.)

(He recovers quickly.)

“Do you?” He shoots back, and Pope doesn’t look impressed.

“Yeah.”

“Who?” JJ asks, and he doesn’t really know where this conversation is going.

(Pope is looking at him in that way of his when he knows something and you’re being really stupid.)

(It’s a look Pope gives him all the time.)

“You didn’t answer my question.” Pope replies, and JJ blinks.

(He’s too high for this.)

“What do you want me to say, Pope?” He asks, and he knows that he sounds defensive, but he really doesn't like the way Pope is looking at him.

(Like he’s got JJ all figured out.)

“It’s an easy question, just answer.”

(What is taking John B so long?)

“You know JJ Maybank doesn’t do crushes.” He says, plastering a smirk on his face.

(He knows Pope doesn’t buy it.)

“I was just wondering.”

“And why would you do that?”

“Just a hunch” Pope says, smiling softly at JJ. “John B seems like he’s having fun tonight.” 

( _Oh,_ so _that_ ’s where this conversation is going.)

“Fuck off, Pope.” He says, and suddenly he can’t really breathe. He gets up.

“JJ-

“Not in the mood, Pope.” He continues.

(JJ doesn’t really know why he’s doing this, why he’s pulling back like this.)

(It’s  _ Pope,  _ JJ knows he’s just trying to help.)

(JJ  _ really  _ can’t talk about this.)

Pope calls him again, and JJ ignores him, walking away.

(Getting lost in a crowd is easy.)

He’s smoking his second cigarette, when someone puts an hand on his shoulder.

He whips around, fist already raised, but instead he finds John B staring at him.

“Christ, John B, you scared the shit out of me.”

“Sorry.” John B laughs, and JJ feels himself relax immediately.

(It should be worrying, the effect John B has on him.)

“Pope said you’re in a mood.” JJ brings his cigarette to his lips.

(Watches John B follow the movement.)

( _ No way, no fucking way- _

“And what else did dear Pope say?”

“Nothing, really. So, what’s gotten into you in the five minutes I was gone?”

JJ shrugs, shaking his head.

“I was worried about my beer, what took you so fuckin’ long?” JJ says, smirking. “And you didn’t even get one! John B, you’re so fucking useless.” 

John B glares at him, and JJ smiles.

“Why am I even friends with you?” He asks, and JJ throws an arm around his shoulders, and John B leans into him.

“Because I’m a delight.” 

“You’re the bane of my existence.” John B says, but he’s got one arm around JJ’s waist, holding him close, so it loses a lot of its bite. 

“Fine, let’s see if we can actually get those beers.”

“I was about to-

“What would you do without me, John B?” JJ asks with a dramatic sigh, and John B’s eyes are shining.

(His grip tightens on JJ’s hip for a second before letting go.)

(It’s a struggle to pull back from him.)

***

JJ opens the door of the Chateau, and the house is silent.

Which is weird.

(And creepy.)

“John B?” He calls out, and gets no answer.

(JJ knows he should be here, because he’s not with Pope or Kie, and he’s not working today.)

JJ walks in John B’s bedroom, and  _ Christ _ .

John B is on the floor, asleep, an empty bottle of rum beside him.

(It’s a familiar scene.)

“John B?” JJ says, and again gets no answer. 

( _ Fine.) _

He kneels down beside John B, who is snoring softly.

_ (At least he’s alive. _ )

He shakes John B’s shoulder lightly, and John B groans, twitching.

“John B, wake up.”

(If his voice shakes a bit, no one is there to notice.)

John B groans again, and his eyes flutter open. 

“JJ?” He says, voice hoarse, and JJ nods.

“Yeah, you idiot. Did you turn into my dad? What’s going on here?” John B groans again, rolling on one side, rubbing his eyes.

“Shit.” He says, and JJ scoffs. 

“Come on, you need a shower.” 

“Jus’ let me die here.”

“Not a chance.” JJ says, and he helps John B on his feet. John B leans heavily on him, and JJ holds him up, half drags him into the bathroom. 

“JJ.” John B says, hand on his mouth. “Shit.” 

Then he’s throwing up, body shaking as he bends over the toilet. JJ grimaces, holding his hair out of his face.

“You’re okay.” He says, running one hand down his back. “Get it all out, man.” 

John B retches again, fingers gripping at the edge of the toilet so hard that his knuckles have turned white. 

(It takes all of JJ’s focus to push away the memories pulling at the edge of his mind.)

( _ This is not the time for a breakdown, JJ.) _

John B pulls back, slumping against the wall. 

“Let’s get you in the tub, okay? You’ll feel better after.” JJ says, handing John B a glass of water. John B takes it gulping it all down, and then starts fumbling with his crumpled hawaiian shirt.

(JJ ends up undoing it for him.)

(And his shorts.)

(It’s not how he imagined stripping down John B would be.)

“C’mon.” He says again, helping John B in the bathtub. “Alright, shower, and I’ll make you some food, and then we’ll go to bed. Sounds good?” JJ asks, running one hand through his hair.

John B looks up from the bathtub, and he’s got tears in his eyes.

(JJ is wildly unprepared for this.)

(Except that he’s not, he's  _ really _ not _ ,  _ because this is how the last ten years of his life have been.)

( _ Fuck, fuck, fuck- _

“Stay.” John B whispers.

(And really, how can he say no to that?)

So he nods, kneeling beside the tub, and opens the water, making sure it’s not too cold.

(John B still shrieks because he’s annoying like that.)

“Christ, John B.”

“It’s fuckin’ freezin’!” 

(He’s still slurring.)

(He just drank an entire bottle of rum, it’s a miracle he’s  _ alive _ .)

“Shut up, John B.” JJ grits out. John B does, leaning back against the edge of the tub, and JJ turns the water warmer.

(John B sighs happily, and JJ hates him.)

(This whole thing feels wrong.)

(John B isn’t supposed to be getting smashed by himself on a tuesday night.)

“John B, what happened?” John B shakes his head, and offers no answer, so JJ runs one hand through his own hair, before directing the spray on John B’s head.

He starts washing his hair then, pouring some of his fancy shampoo on his hand and massaging his fingers into John B’s scalp.

(He ignores how John B melts under his hands.)

(JJ can only deal with a major issue at time.)

“Feels good.” John B says quietly, and JJ can’t help the smile pulling at his lips.

“Maybe I’ll open an hair salon.” John B laughs.

(It  _ almost  _ feels like it should.)

(But John B is still drunk off his ass, and JJ still wants to run away.)   
He stays where he is instead, and keeps washing John B’s hair, and playing with the wet strands until the skin of his fingers is wrinkled, and John B looks like he might fall asleep at any second.

“Feeling better?” He asks, and John B nods, eyes closed.

“Yeah.” He mumbles. “Tired.”

(Seeing John B stand up only in his underwear, dripping water, should not have this effect on him.)

(He’s seen him like this thousand of times on the beach, Christ.)

(Maybe it’s because he’s completely leaning into JJ.)

(Maybe it’s because John B has taken his hand and doesn’t seem about to let go.)

He hands a towel to John B so he can dry off his hair, and then they make their way back in the bedroom.

John B drops on the bed like a dead weight, pulling JJ with him.

“Jesus, John B.” John B rubs his eyes with his free hand, and curls on himself.

JJ runs his fingers through John B’s hair then, and John B leans into his hand, looking up at him.

“What happened?”

“Bad night.” He says, and JJ waits. “I miss him.” John B continues, and his eyes are glassy.

(It hurts to look at him like this.)

(Broken, and scared, and hurt.)

( _ Please, please, be alive, don’t leave him like this, please- _

“And I’m really fuckin’ tired.” John B says.

(John B never fucking sleeps.)

JJ squeezes his hands, and John B closes his eyes again.

“Sorry- ‘bout all this.”

“It’s okay.” 

(And it’s not, not really, he can’t have John B go down this road.)

(But it’s a problem for tomorrow.)

(For now, John B needs to sleep.)

JJ lays down beside him, and pulls the covers over both of them, and curls around John B.

John B leans back into him, and his hands are shaking.

(His whole body is shaking.)

“It’ll be okay, John B, you hear me? We’ll get through this.” 

“Yeah.” John B says, and his voice cracks a little.

( _ God, let him be okay, please, please, please- _

“Sleep.” John B nods, and he melts against JJ’s chest, and he’s still holding his hand.

(JJ doesn’t mind.)

He pulls John B closer, feeling John B fall asleep soon after that.

( _ Please.) _

***

“There are beers in the cooler.” Luke says, and JJ nods, fidgeting with the hem of his shirt. He grabs two bottles and hands one to his father.

“Pass me that, will you?” Luke says, gesticulating towards one of the tools laying around in their backyard.

(It’s how the entire day has been.)

(Luke is in a good mood, because he just landed a new job and the salvage yard.)

(And JJ has been helping him with this new project for most of the afternoon.)

(It’s not that it has never happened before, it’s not that they’ve never had these father-son moments before.)

(They have.)

(And they always end with blood in JJ’s mouth.)

“Thanks, son.” Luke smiles at him, and pats him on his shoulder, and JJ flinches.

(Luke doesn’t notice.) 

“Here, come help me out with this.” Luke says, and JJ forces himself to step closer.

(Luke smells of beer and petrol and sweat.)

JJ grabs the tube Luke hands him, holding it up so Luke can get under it. 

By the end of the day, JJ is covered in sweat and grease, bone-deep tired, and Luke is laughing at something JJ said.

(JJ  _ hates  _ it.)

(Hates that it makes him feel so good, that he can’t help but do whatever Luke asks him to do, that he wants Luke to be  _ proud _ of him.)

( _ Jesus, you’re so fucked up.) _

“How’s school, kid?” Luke asks at some point, sitting down on one of the chairs. JJ sits on the other.

(His stomach sinks to the floor.)

“Uh, it’s pretty good, I think I’m doin’ okay.” Luke nods, patting his shoulder again.

(He doesn’t tell Luke that school ended a month ago.)

(He doesn’t tell Luke that he skipped most of the last month because he was working.)

(He doesn’t tell Luke he failed half of his classes.)

(JJ might be stupid, but he’s not an  _ idiot.) _

“Good, good, school’s important, kid.” Luke says, and then he gets up and JJ does too, out of instinct.

_ (Run.)  _

Luke eyes him weirdly as he grabs another beer.

(It would be amazing if the floor opened and swallowed JJ, thanks.)

“How about girls, son? Anyone caught your eye?” Luke asks again and JJ flinches.

( _ Oh yeah.) _

(Somehow, JJ doubts he would be happy to hear about his crush.) 

“Not really one for relationship.” He says and Luke grunts in approval.

“Can’t trust women, son, they’re all selfish whores, like your bitch of a mother was.”

(It punches all the air out of his lungs.)

( _ Men don't cry, son.) _

“Right.” He forces out, and then he stands. “I think I’m gonna head out.” 

“Where?” 

(He’s slurring a bit.) 

_ (Too much beer.) _

“John B’s.”

“The Routledge kid? You been hanging out with him?” 

(JJ wants to rip out his own hair.) 

“Sometimes.” 

“I never liked his father. Leavin’ his kid like that.” Luke shakes his head, bringing the beer to his mouth. “Why don’t you stay? We can grill some steaks.”

(JJ really doesn’t want to tell him that there’s no food in the house.)

(And he really doesn’t want to stay.)

“I promised I’d go.” 

“And I’m telling you to  _ stay.”  _ Luke says, voice lower than before.

(All the alarms go off in JJ’s head.)

(It takes an effort to now run away in that second.) 

“I-

“What? You don’t want to spend a nice evening with your old man?” Luke stands up, and JJ jerks back, tripping on the chair. “Christ, you’re a fuckin’ disaster.” 

(Yeah, he knows that.)

JJ keeps his eyes down.

“I’ll just go and-

“You’re  _ staying,  _ how many times to I have to tell you?” 

“Dad-

JJ doesn’t have time to finish the sentence because then there’s a fist flying at his face, and JJ is frozen on the spot. 

(There’s blood in his mouth.)

( _ Predictable.) _

“Bitch, just like your mother.” 

JJ looks up then, and Luke’s eyes are filled with anger. 

( _ Get up.) _

(He stays where he is.)

JJ leans heavily on the door of the Chateau, and lifts one hand to knock.

“Coming!” John B’s voice comes from the other side of the door.

(JJ could cry with relief.) 

The door swings open and there John B is.

“Hey, JB.” He chokes out, and he leans forward and John B catches him.

(He always does.) 

Together they stumble their way to John B’s bedroom, and JJ drops on the bed with a winch.

(There’s not a single part of his body that doesn’t hurt.)

“I’m gonna take your shirt off, okay?” John B’s voice registers in his head and JJ nods.

(He can’t lift his arms so John B ends up ripping the tank top off his chest.)

John B sucks in a sharp breath and JJ can’t look neither at him or himself.

(He knows it’s bad.)

(He stares at the floor instead.)

“I’m gonna check for broken ribs, yeah?” JJ nods, and John B moves slowly but JJ flinches anyway when his fingers brush again his skin.

“Sorry.” John B whispers and JJ shakes his head.

“‘s fine.” He grits out. 

(And it’s not, it’s really not, his skin is on fire, tight and uncomfortable and bruised and-

(JJ still feels  _ his  _ hands on him.)

(Angry and demanding and painful.)

John B starts moving then, pressing and checking and touching and it hurts so fucking bad.

By the end of it, JJ can’t breathe.

( _ Men don’t cry, son.) _

“I’d say three broken ribs, maybe four.” John B says, and his voice is shaking a little.

(JJ hates himself a lot sometimes.)

“How’s your head?” 

“‘s okay. Don’t think I hit it anywhere.”

(Though the memories are kind of blurry, so JJ might be wrong.)

“Can I check anyway?” John B asks, and JJ nods.

(Sometimes he really thinks John B can read his mind.) 

John B’s fingers brush through his hair, and JJ half expects it to hurt.

( _ Pulling, grabbing, pain shooting through his body- _

It doesn’t. 

(It feels good, and JJ can’t breathe.)

“JJ?” John B whispers, but it still feels loud as fuck in the quietness of the room.

“I’m fine.” He says, and John B clenches his jaw, fingers stilling in his hair.

“I’ll get you some ice.” He says, and then pulls away.

( _ Stay.) _

John B comes back a minute later with a bunch of ice packs, and JJ lays down on the bed, putting the packs on the bigger bruises on his side.

(Luke has a knack for kicking him when he’s already on the ground.) 

John B lays down beside him, and his hand finds JJ’s between them.

( _ Safe.) _

(John B’s thumb is rubbing circles on the back of his hand.)   
(It’s good, it’s grounding.)

“What happened?” 

(JJ would like to play it down, but he can’t quite muster up the energy.)

“You know how it is.” He says, and John B squeezes his hand.

John B hands him a cigarette then, and JJ takes it, lighting up quickly, letting the smoke fill his lungs.

( _ Breathe.) _

“You’re home now.” John B says, and he's staring at JJ.

(JJ can't look at him.)

(John B’s eyes are too soft, and JJ feels like he might break.) 

They don't say anything for a while.

(There's really nothing to say.)

Then John B turns on his side, and he's still staring at JJ.

(JJ wants to yell at him, tell him to stop, to look away.)

He closes his eyes instead.

( _ Men don't cry, son.) _

“Stay.” John B says, his voice cutting through the silence again.

(It pull all the air out of his lungs.)

“Don't think I could go anywhere even if I wanted to.” He says, forcing a smirk.

(He knows that's not what John B meant.)

( _ God.) _

“I mean, don't go back. Ever.” John B’s voice is thick and low, and JJ can feel his hot breath on his face.

“John B.” 

(He's exhausted.)

“I mean it, JJ.” 

(And JJ knows he does.)

(That John B would let him stay forever, because that’s just how John B is.)

_ (Good, and loyal, and kind.) _

(JJ knows he doesn't deserve any of that.)

( _ Fucked up, broken, stupid, worthless.) _

“You know I can't.” He says, and it feels bitter on his tongue.

“But why not, JJ?” 

JJ sits up, running one hand through his hair. He grabs another cigarette.

“I just can't.” He says, blowing out the smoke.

(He wishes John B would stop asking.) 

“Yeah, you can. You just-

“Shut up, John B.” JJ glares at him, and John B sits up as well, glaring right back at JJ.

(There's fire in his eyes.)

(Bright, and intense, and so alive.)

(They burn on JJ's skin.) 

“I'm serious, JJ. You can't keep doing this, I can't- what's gonna happen one day when he's too drunk to stop? What  _ then _ ?”

JJ flinches, pulling away.

“It's  _ fine,  _ John B-

“But it's  _ not,  _ JJ. It's so  _ not  _ fine, and you keep going back, when you could just  _ stay  _ here-

“He's my  _ dad,  _ John B! What am I supposed-

“He  _ doesn't love _ you, JJ!” 

JJ can't speak.

(Can't breathe, can't move, can't do  _ anything.) _

“JJ-

(And it's not like JJ didn't know that.)

(Somewhere, in the back of his mind, JJ has  _ always  _ known that.)

(It's just-

(No one ever said it so explicitly and-

( _ Fuck, fuck, shit, fuck- _

(It  _ really  _ shouldn't hurt like this, there's no reason for it to feel like this, for JJ to feel like he's about to die-

( _ Wish I already was-  _

“JJ, hey, I'm sorry, I shouldn't have, JJ-

John B moves, and JJ registers it in the corner of his vision, and he jerks back, hitting the back of the bedpost. 

“JJ-

“Shut the  _ fuck  _ up, John B,  _ Jesus.”  _

John B does close his mouth, and JJ clenches his fists.

(His hands are shaking.)

(Scratch that, his  _ whole  _ body is shaking.) 

He pulls at his hair, and it stings, but it doesn't really help.

He gets up then, rolling off the bed, and he doesn't really know where he's going.

(Just that he can't breathe, and there's no air-

( _ Hands around his throat, holding him down, pulling, hitting- _

JJ makes it out of the Chateau, and he's on the porch when John B's voice cuts through his mind.

“JJ, where are you going? JJ, hey, JJ,  _ stop.”  _

JJ does. He turns around, and John B is standing right in front of him.

(Eyes wide and scared and worried.)

(JJ really fucking hates him sometimes.) 

“JJ.” 

(John B says his name like it means a million different things.)

JJ turns around and punches the wall.

“ _ Fuck.”  _ He grits out.

He watches the blood trickle down from his knuckles for a second.

(It burns.)

“JJ-

JJ smashes his fist against the wall again. 

And again.

“Christ, JJ.” 

(He feels marginally better.)

JJ glances at him, and John B steps closer. 

John B takes his bloody hands, looking up to meet JJ’s eyes.

(Much better.)

“Let’s put some ice on this.” He says, and JJ follows him back inside the Chateau.

He goes in the bathroom, washing the blood away in the sink, as John B grabs a bag of frozen peas to put on it.

“Thanks.” JJ says, voice hoarse. John B nods, staring at him. 

“I’m sorry.” John B says, and JJ looks up at him. “I shouldn't have said that.”   
“It’s not like you were wrong.” JJ says, pushing past him to get in the bedroom. 

He grabs the bag of weed from the closet, sitting down on the bed to roll a blunt.

(It takes an extra effort with how bad his hands are shaking.)

(JJ is very determined.) 

“JJ.” John B sits beside him, close but not touching.

(JJ is torn between leaning in and pulling away.)

(He stays where he is.) 

“I’m fine, John B, you can stop looking at me like that.” He says, and John B’s fingers twitch on his legs. 

“Jesus, JJ.” 

JJ doesn't look at him.

(Can't.)

(JJ has to blink away the tears pooling in his eyes.)

(He knows John B hasn't missed them.)

JJ lights up the blunt, taking a long drag that hurts on his broken ribs.

(It’s okay, though.)

(By the time JJ is done smoking, he won’t feel a thing.)

He keeps staring at the floor.

(His head is pounding.)

(JJ wishes his thoughts would just  _ shut up  _ for a second, so he could breathe.)

( _ He doesn't love you, he doesn't love you, he doesn’t lo- _

JJ breathes in the smoke, and it burns in his lungs.

_ (Angry hands pulling, holding him down, can’t breathe- _

A longer drag, ashes falling on his legs.

_ (Fucked up, broken, stupid, worthless- _

“JJ.” John B’s voice cuts through the haze of his mind, and JJ looks up to meet his eyes.

(His vision is blurry.)

(This time he can't quite blink away the tears.) 

( _ Men don't cry, son.) _

(JJ thinks he might anyway.)

“’m sorry.” He says, and he doesn’t really know why he’s apologizing in the first place.

“It’s not your fault, JJ.” John B says, and when he opens his arms JJ falls against his chest.

John B takes the finished blunt from his fingers, and sets it aside, and then his arms wrap around JJ, and JJ hides his face in his chest and a sob tears past his lips and then he’s crying and he’s not sure he can ever stop.

John B pulls him closer, fingers brushing through his hair and down his back, words falling from his lips.

“It’s okay, JJ, you’re home now, I got you, you’ll be okay, you’re safe, I’m here-

JJ holds on tighter to his shoulders, fingers digging in his skin, but John B doesn't pull back.

(John B holds him like he never wants to let go.)

So JJ cries, and sobs, and shakes, and John B holds him through it, holds him close, holds him together, and eventually JJ has no tears left to cry, but John B still doesn't let go. 

They lay down and JJ turns on the side that hurts less, and John B turns off the light, and curls around JJ.

( _ Warm, safe, home.) _

(JJ feels like he should say something, apologize for this shitshow, maybe make some jokes, play it off.)

(He’s too tired.)

John B presses a kiss to the back of his neck, fingers gentle on his skin.

(It makes JJ shiver.) 

( _ He doesn't love you.) _

John B pulls him closer, then, and JJ soaks in the warmth coming from his body. 

_ (Warm, safe, home.) _

_ (Breathe.) _

(JJ finds that he can.)

***

JJ is a bit drunk, and he's not enjoy this one bit. 

(This, being a random guy trying to chat him up.) 

“Can I get you another drink?”

“No, I'm good, bro.” JJ starts to walk away.

(His skin is itching.) 

“Come on, wait a second.” The guy, Jack or James or something equally dull, steps in front of him. JJ has to stop dead in his track to not crash against him. 

He looks up, and whatever-his-fucking-name-is is eyeing him up and down.

(It makes JJ want to hide.)

(It's too familiar.)

( _ Shit, fuck, shit- _

“Fuck off, dude.” JJ says, and the guy is way too fucking close. 

JJ steps back. 

(It's a bad move, but JJ can't help it.) 

“Lets just have some fun, yeah?”

( _ Oh fuck no- _

“Shit- 

“Hey, JJ.” 

(JJ has never been happier to see John B in his entire fucking life.) 

( _ Thank God.)  _

“Let's go.” JJ says, and he takes John B's hand and then the other guy takes his wrist.

It makes JJ flinch.

(Like a full body shudder.)

He pulls back so fast that he almost trips over John B's feet, but then he's moving without him even realizing. 

His fist crashes against the guy's face, and JJ feels his nose crack under his knuckles. 

Then John B is pulling him away, and JJ watches the guy bend over, and he's bleeding, and it's all happening so fast, but JJ isn't even there anymore.

( _ Hands taking his wrists, holding him down, close, pulling- _

“JJ.” 

( _ Grabbing, scratching, burning- _

JJ can't breathe. 

(His skin is on fire, itching and prickling and tight-

“JJ, hey, JJ, look at me-

_ (Dirty.) _

JJ looks up, and is met by brown eyes.

( _ Soft, and gentle, and familiar.)  _

“JJ, hey, it's over, you're fine, you're okay-

(JJ doesn't feel okay.)

He looks around. 

(The beach. There's a beach.)

(JJ can feel the wind on his face, and the sand in his shoes, and the smell of salt and smoke and John B-

“I'm okay.” JJ chokes out, and John B is shaking his head, hands raised awkwardly between them.

( _ Don't touch me.) _

JJ steps back, forcing himself to take a deep breathe.

( _It's_ _not real, it's_ _not real, it's_ _not real-_

“JJ?” 

“Yeah.” JJ clears his throat, reaches for his cigarettes and his lighter. “Fine.” 

(He can't look at John B.)

(He feels John B's burning eyes on him.) 

“You wanna go home?” 

JJ nods, and John B gives him a small smile.

“I'll tell Kie and Pope we're leaving.” 

JJ nods numbly, and follows John B back to their friends. He lets John B do most of the conversation, and he pulls back when Kie tries to hug him, and ignores the hurt look on her face, and just follows John B back to the Chateau. 

_ (Home.)  _

He goes straight into the bathroom, turns on the shower so it's burning hot, and then gets under it, letting the water wash over him.

He tries to not think.

( _ About the random guy, about the gas station, and about Zack's hands- _

“JJ, you okay?” John B's voice come from behind the door, and JJ feels sick. 

He bends over and throws up everything he drank that night, and his dinner. 

(It doesn't help.)

“Yeah.” He yells back, and hates how much his voice crack.

(It shouldn't be like this.)

(JJ is just overreacting.)

JJ washes off quickly, scrubbing his skin until it's red, and then wraps himself in one of John B's hoodie. 

(It smells like him.) 

( _ Home.) _

He doesn't look at the mirror when he walks out of the bathroom.

John B is waiting for him sitting on the bed, and he looks up when JJ comes in the room. 

“JJ-   
“It's fine, John B.” JJ says, going straight to the closet to retrieve their weed. He rolls one quickly, fingers itching. 

John B hands him a lighter and JJ lights up, taking a long drag.

( _ Breathe.)  _

“Wanna talk about it?” John B asked, because of course he does. JJ huffs a laugh, looking up into his eyes.

“Fuck no.” John B nods, lays back in the bed, and JJ follows him, putting the ashtray between them. He hands the blunt to John B, and he takes it, taking a few puffs before passing it back to JJ. 

When it's finished JJ moves the ashtray away, and lays back down. 

“Wanna sleep?” John B asks, and JJ nods.

(He's not sure he'll be able to sleep tonight, but that's okay.) 

(He can pretend.) 

John B turns off the light, and turns on his side.

(JJ knows he's staring at him.) 

“Do you want me to go in the other room?” John B's voice cuts through the silence, and he's whispering but it still feels loud as fuck.

“No.” JJ whispers back, and in the darkness it's easier to tell the truth. 

( _ Stay.) _

John B stays, and JJ turns on his side too, and he's really high.

(And John B looks so pretty in the early light of the morning.) 

JJ should say something, it feels like he should say something.

(He doesn't have any words left.) 

Then John B lifts one hand to rest it on JJ's cheek.

(Tender, and gentle and soft.)

(It almost breaks him.)

“John B-

“It's okay, JJ.” 

(John B touches him like he's something holy.) 

(It would be so easy to just  _ lean in  _ and-

JJ closes his eyes, and lets John B pull him close, curls against him, and John B's fingers are brushing through his hair, and it's good.

( _ Breathe.)  _

(John B smells of smoke and salt and sand-

(JJ can feel his breath ghosting on his neck.) 

(And John B's fingers are so soft.) 

He looks up, and find John B already staring at him.

(It feels like John B can read straight into his soul.) 

John B's hand comes up again to brush on JJ's cheek, his thumb stroking the skin there.

(It sends chill down his spine.) 

(JJ can't look away.) 

(He doesn't want to anyway.) 

(John B holds him like he never wants to let go.) 

“JJ.” John B whispers and JJ feels it on his mouth. 

“Here.” 

John B is looking at him with a look that's too good to be true.

(JJ doesn't dare name it.) 

Then John B pulls back.

“Goodnight.” He says, and JJ is so taken aback that it takes him a minute to answer.

“'Night.” He replies, and John B holds him closer, tighter, and JJ lets him.

( _ Get a grip.) _

***   
It keeps happening, and it drives JJ crazy. 

(John B has always been by his side, but now-

(He's literally everywhere, always reaching out for him, always pulling him close-

(JJ doesn't know what to do.)

(It leaves him breathless, head spinning.) 

(He's this close to just go to Kiara just so he can ask her if he's making it all up or John B has really become extra clingy.)

(Not that JJ is complaining.) 

It's happening right now, as well.

They're at the Chateau, smoking, when suddenly John B gets up to and holds out an hand for him to take. 

“Let's go.” He says.

“Where?” JJ asks, but he's already getting up. 

“The beach.” John B replies, and that's good enough for JJ.

The beach is empty.

(It's, like, three in the morning.) 

John B sits down on the wet sand, and drags JJ down with him. 

“What now?” JJ asks, a smile pulling at his lips, but John B is staring far off where the sky meets the ocean.

(He's looking a bit lost.)

“John B?”   
“I miss him.” John B says, and JJ blinks.

(So it's one of  _ those  _ nights.)

“He'll come back.” JJ replies, and he doesn't really believe it, but that doesn't matter.   
(He's not about to tell John B his father is dead.)

“How do you know?”   
(JJ really doesn't.) 

“He always does. He loves you.” 

“We had a fight, before he left.” John B says, and JJ hands him a cigarette. He holds the lighter for him, getting one for himself as well. “I told him he was a shit father.”

“John B-

“I didn't even get to say goodbye.”   
“You know Big John loves you, JB. He'd never leave you, he'll come back, you'll see.”

(JJ is a  _ liar _ .) 

“Yeah. Yeah, okay.” John B says, and then he turns to stare at JJ, and JJ forgets how breathing works. 

(He should say something.)

(John B looks like he's about to have a nervous breakdown.) 

“I'll always be here.” He says and that's not really what he wanted to say, but then John B sucks in a sharp breath, and then he's much closer. 

( _ What the fuck, oh God- _

(It would be so easy, John B is so close JJ can count the freckles on his face-

( _ God, why do you hate me so fucking much- _

“JJ.” John B takes his hand and JJ squeezes it and  _ God. Fuck.  _

(It's so unfair.) 

“Thank you.” John B whispers, and JJ feels it on his lips. 

( _ Warm and safe and home.) _

(He looks so fucking pretty.) 

(JJ doesn't deserve him.)

He looks down, pulls back.

“I can't do this.” He says, pulling back. JJ gets up, and John B does the same. 

“Do what?”   
“ _ This.”  _ JJ gesticulates between the two of them.

(His stupid heart is racing.) 

“JJ-

“I can't, John B, I can't-

“Why not-

“Because- because you deserve better,  _ fuck- _

Then John B kisses him. 

He takes JJ by his hips and pulls him close, one hand wrapped around his waist and JJ kisses back, eyes fluttering close and  _ Jesus. _

(It's  _ so  _ much better than JJ ever dreamt.)

“JJ, shut the fuck up.” John B whispers on his lips, and he's still holding JJ impossibly close.

(JJ thinks he might just cry.)

“You kissed me.” He whispers and John B nods, and he's smiling.

( _ Pretty.)  _

“You were gonna say some bullshit, and I couldn't let you do that.” 

(JJ can't believe it.)

_ (Maybe it's a dream.) _

(It sure feels like it.) 

“John B-

“I like you.” John B says, and JJ is  _ definitely  _ dreaming. “God, I like you so much.” 

“You  _ what?”  _ JJ's voice comes out a bit squeaky. 

“Yeah, have for a while.” John B continues, and his fingers twitch on JJ's skin. “I- did I fuck up entirely?” 

He looks panicked now.

JJ really can't have that.

So he leans it and crashes their lips together.

John B lets out a quiet sigh and it makes JJ shivers. He deepens the kiss, licking into John B's mouth.

(Warm and hungry and  _ perfect.) _

“God. I'm such an idiot.” JJ says, pulling back again to trace his fingers over John B's lips. “Should have done this ages ago.” 

“We'll just have to make up for the time lost.” John B says, and he's grinning and he looks so beautiful and then they're kissing again and it's so, so good.

(And it's not a dream.) 

(John B tastes like weed and beer and something else that JJ can't place, something inherently  _ John B.) _

(JJ wouldn't even care if he died right now, not if the last thing he does is kissing John B.)

John B's hair is silky between his fingers, and his lips are soft and chapped and  _ Christ. _

They kiss, and kiss, until they can't breathe anymore, and then they kiss some more, and they're still kissing by the time the sun is starting to rise.

(It paints John B in gold and warmth and freckles.)

(It feels unreal.) 

JJ traces his fingers over John B's face, and down his neck and over his shoulders, miles and miles of tan skin, burning under his fingertips. 

John B brushes JJ's hair back, and presses soft kisses on his neck and smiles against his lips, and JJ can't breathe, but he doesn't even care.

“Let's go home.” John B says, intertwining their fingers together, and JJ nods. 

“Yeah.” JJ starts walking, and John B follows. 

***

JJ opens his eyes and finds John B already staring at him. 

(It makes him smile.)

“Creep.” He says, and John B huffs a quiet laugh, pulling JJ closer. JJ lets him, pressing against John B's naked chest.

(He's so warm, and JJ is still half-asleep.)

“I think I'm allowed to look at my boyfriend.” John B says, and  _ wow. _

(It catches JJ off guard.)

(It's not like JJ enjoys feeling like a 12 years-old virgin girl, but John B has this weird effect on him and JJ really can't do anything about it.)

He smiles and John B grins back, pulling him up to kiss him.

(It tastes like morning-breath and last night's beer, and it's so good.)

“Well, good morning to you too.” JJ says against his lips. 

It's ridiculously early, and there's light coming in from the window. 

(Golden skin and bright eyes, freckles and pretty lips.) 

JJ lets his fingers trace over John B's face, and down his neck and to his collarbone. 

(Miles and miles of bronze skin, planes of muscles and thousands of freckles.) 

(All for him.) 

JJ smiles against his chest, then proceeds to stretch out, popping several of his bones.

“Nice.” John B says, and suddenly he’s above JJ, arms at each side of JJ’s face.

( _ God, thank you.) _

John B leans down to kiss him and JJ meets him halfway, crashing their lips together.

(It sets JJ’s blood on fire.) 

“Someone’s in a good mood.” JJ whispers and John B laughs, moving lower, pressing soft kisses on JJ’s neck. 

JJ brushes his hands through John B’s hair, pulling a little and guiding John B’s mouth back to his. 

(If every morning is going to be like this, JJ is never leaving the Chateau ever again.) 

“Come on, let’s get some breakfast.” John B says, and JJ smirks.

“ _ Or  _ we could just stay in bed.”    
“Mh, yeah? And do what, exactly?” John B asks, and he’s got a shit-eating grin plastered on his face. JJ grins, flipping them around so he’s now on top. He leans down to suck on a spot below John B’s neck.

(The soft sigh John B makes is the most delicious sound JJ has ever heard.) 

“Lemme show you.” 

***

It’s a good day. 

The sun is bright and hot on JJ’s skin, and the waves are fantastic today and John B keeps turning around to kiss him.

(JJ feels high.)

(And he hasn’t touches a blunt in, like, three days, which has to be a record for him.)

(It’s just- 

(Being with John B is euphoric and exciting and JJ really doesn't want to miss not even a second of it.)

At the moment, the sun is starting to go down, and JJ is still surfing, with John B waiting for him on the sand.

(He knows John B is watching.)

(It's why he’s pulling all the best tricks he knows.) 

(Sue him, he's trying to impress his  _ boyfriend.) _

_ (Ah. Who would have thought.) _

At some point he swims back to the beach, pushing the wet hair away from his eyes. John B is laying down, a beer in hand. He hands one to JJ when he gets over there, and JJ leans down to kiss him.

(Because he can now.)

(He can kiss John B whenever he wants.)

( _ Mindblowing.)  _

JJ drops on the sand beside him, bringing the beer to his lips.

“Did you see that last wave? That was so fuckin’ good and-

“Uh, so that’s new.” Both JJ and John B whip around, finding Kie staring at them with a smug smile. JJ’s eyes fall back on their hands, laced together. 

(And JJ knows he’s sporting an hickey on his neck.)

“We- were gonna tell you?” JJ says and Kie shakes her head and Pope picks that exact time to arrive. 

“Tell her what?” Pope asks, sitting down beside JJ.

“JJ and John B finally got their shit together and are now holding hands.” Kie says and it makes Pope snorts.

“Fuckin’ finally. I was starting to think it would never happen.” 

JJ is fully aware his mouth his open.

“You  _ knew _ ?” He says, and he glances at John B, who looks as surprised as JJ feels.

“Yeah,  _ duh.”  _ Kie replies, grinning. “You’re both so obvious.” 

“And you didn’t tell us anything? Excuse me, what?” Kie rolls her eyes.

“We  _ tried,  _ JJ. Remember that time I tried talking to you and you had, like, a full breakdown?” JJ looks away.

(He’s not blushing, it’s just hot.)

“No idea what you’re talking about.”

“Aw, babe, you had a breakdown because of me?” John B teases, and JJ pushes him in the sand. John B laughs, loud and bright, and so do Kie and Pope.

“Fuck off, all of you.” 

***

JJ lets John B clean the blood from his hair. 

John B doesn’t say anything, so neither does JJ.

(It’s not like there’s anything to say about this.)

“All done.” 

JJ nods, falling backwards on the bed. John B lays down beside him, and takes JJ’s hand between them. 

“Got a smoke?” JJ asks, and John B shuffles around for a few seconds, retrieving a battered pack of cigarettes from his pocket.

(JJ’s head is pounding.) 

He takes the cigarette John B is offering, lighting up. He takes a long drag, blowing out the smoke slowly. 

(It makes pretty shapes above them.) 

“Tell me?” 

(JJ is not sure he wants to.)

“Not much to say.” He says. 

John B squeezes his hands, and JJ squeezes back. 

“You know how he is, likes his beer too much.” JJ inhales and the smoke burns in his throat. 

John B turns on his side to face him, and JJ closes his eyes. 

John B brushes his fingers over the side of JJ’s face, barely touching the skin where a new bruise is blooming on his cheek. 

(It’s gentle and tender.)

(JJ wants to pull away.)

“It’s okay, JJ.” John B says, because he knows. 

JJ stays where he is. 

JJ turns on his side as well, with a low curse when it pulls at his bruised side. 

(It wasn’t too bad tonight.)

(But it still hurts.) 

John B closes the short distance between them and catches his lips in a slow kiss.

(It tastes like smoke and blood.)

(JJ’s lips is bleeding a little again.) 

It’s soft and sweet.

(It feels like breathing after being in apnea for a long time.)

(And JJ has been underwater for so long.) 

JJ curls his fingers in John B’s hair, pulling him closer, trading through the brown strands. 

“JJ.” John B whispers, and it sounds like a prayer.

(John B touches him like he’s holy.)

“Stay.” John B says then, and JJ pulls back.

(John B’s eyes are big and earnest, open and vulnerable.) 

(JJ shouldn’t do it, he  _ really  _ shouldn’t.) 

(Luke is still his father, and-

( _ He doesn’t love you.) _

“Okay.” He whispers, and watches John B’s face split into a grin. 

“Really?” He asks, like he can’t believe it.

(JJ never wants to go back again.) 

“I’ve got no reason to go back.” 

(And all the reasons to stay.)

(So he stays.) 

( _ Home.) _

***

John B shakes him awake way too early. 

“JJ.” He calls, and JJ groans, eyes still closed.

(The bed is warm and so is John B beside him, and there’s no reason to get up.)

Except stupid John B and his insomnia.

“Rise and shine, JJ.” John B sing-songs, and it makes JJ smiles. “Come on, gotta check the damage.” 

( _ Ugh.) _

“I have polio, bro, I can’t walk.” JJ says, hiding his face deeper in the pillow. He hears John B snorts, his fingers brushing over JJ’s back. 

John B gets up then.

(JJ is immediately cold.) 

He forces his eyes open. He sits up, trying to rub the sleep away from his eyes. 

(John B looks way too good to be so early in the morning.) 

“No service.” John B informs him, showing him phone, and JJ huffs.

“Of fuckin’ course.” He says, and John B smiles at him, pulling him in for a short kiss. 

Outside is a fucking disaster. 

“Agatha did some work, uh?” JJ asks, leaning on the door of the Chateau. The big tree in front of the house has been completely eradicated, and now lays sideway on the ground. 

“Yeah, she did.” John B answers. He’s standing by the HMS POGUE, removing fallen branches away from the boat.

(JJ might be staring at John B’s naked back, muscle flexing under the skin.)

He takes a sip from his beer, walking up to him.

“What are you thinking?” JJ asks, leaning on the boat. John B leans forward too, so that their faces are only a few inches apart. JJ smiles at him.

“I’m thinkin’ that storm surge pushed all the crabs out on the marsh maze.” He answers, a little smirk playing on his lips. “All those drums are gonna chase the crabs.” 

“What about DCS? Wasn’t that today?” 

(JJ knows it is.) 

John B looks away, shrugging.

(It’s a messy situation.)

(JJ kind of wishes DCS ever gave two shits about him too.)

(Then he remembers what happens to kids like him and John B that go in foster care, and is glad nobody ever gave two flying fucks about him.)

“Nah, they’re not getting on a ferry.” John B replies, and he’s got that smiles that promises stupid things to come. JJ smiles back. “Come on, think about it. It’s God telling us to fish.” 

JJ grins.

(It’s why John B is his best friend.)

“Fine, let’s get the others.” JJ replies, and John B whoops, and kisses him again. 

(It tastes like coffee and beer and cigarettes.)

(It feels like nothing could ever go wrong.) 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Comments and kudos are always appreciated!  
> Warnings:  
> -Drinking  
> -Child abuse  
> -Panic attacks  
> -Mentions of past non-con  
> -Smoking

**Author's Note:**

> Please leave a kudos or a comment if you liked this chapter, I love hearing what you guys think!!
> 
> Warnings:  
> -Child abuse  
> -Overdosing  
> -Drugs  
> -Drinking


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